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Walk a Day in My Shoes 👠

This is a true undercover story. I decided to become as one of the disadvantaged members of our society to gain compassion. Well, I wish that were true. But the sad truth is this is a story about my life.

I went to law school, married a man there with a similar level graduate degree. We married, had five children. He was the breadwinner. I was the stay at home, homeschool mom. And one day he quit his job. Just quit. With no intention of finding a replacement position.

One day my husband is top dog at a huge international company and my family has full medical and dental coverage. And the next he quits and we have NO insurance coverage.

I jumped through hoops and was finally able to get the other two covered. It took so much time & energy. Then in 2020, we’ll what can we say about 2020? “Bad year” would be an understatement. The kids were kicked out of Healthy Kids and down to Medicaid. I was mortified. Here I am an attorney and my kids are on Medicaid!

When we divorced a few years after living this way I agreed in our settlement to provide their health coverage because he refused. After paying private insurance for a while I applied for Florida Healthy Kids. Since my ex has three kids for tax purposes while I have the other two, the two who are under me did not qualify because of my income. The other three qualified because his reported income made it possible (while he took at least 5 international trips).

The two kids who I had worked so hard to get covered under Healthy Kids now ended up in a version of Medicaid with a $3,000 per month deductible. Not a misprint. Y’all, that’s $36,000 a year one could spend before coverage would kick in! Is there any private insurance that would rival that kind of cost?

Before the change in coverage I had been seeking medical answers to an issue my oldest son was having, while at the same time exploring natural options. We had been issued cards bearing a new PCP assignment. I contacted them at the number on the card to restart the process of investigating the issue.

After giving my address , the receptionist asked me which office in a city at least 5 hours away I would like to visit. What?! How did we get assigned to a doctor there?!

Remedying this situation took more calls and time which involved going through an automated system to try to change the PCP which did not list the old PCP…whose office said they are a provide under the coverage.

Now I will tell you another story. It is called Going to the Medicaid Dentist. A new experience. Three children and I arrive. With the above shuffling we had been required to switch to a different dentist. I complete massive amounts of paperwork of course. Then I am informed by the receptionist that today will be x-rays, then we will come back for the cleanings. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This is the way the Medicaid contract works they explained. Finally B is called back. The girls & I are told to wait. I have never been asked to separate from a child before and didn’t like it one bit. We wait. Wait. Wait. And Mama Bear erupts and demands to be shown to her child this moment! I tell them we are All coming back this time. Oh, there was a machine malfunction. Great. So someone couldn’t come and let me know? And what exactly does a machine malfunction mean when that machine is a special machine that targets radiation at your body? (Oh, BTW, this dentist requires 6 x-rays every 6 months!)

The x-Ray visit took 3 hours! Three hours of missed school instruction, and three more to come at the cleaning!

What it brings to light is…INEFFICIENCY! Seriously, no wonder poor people can’t work! They spend their days waiting at the freaking doctor & dentist!

Yes, but more. Here I am an educated mom who is having to use every brain cel possible to figure out how to get through this system. How does the average Medicaid mom do it? I’m a lawyer & I can barely figure out how to move forward on behalf of my family. Meanwhile, of course I am using my education and abilities to adjust and build up and be able to provide without any government support. But not everyone has that.

Shame on my kids’ dad. Shame on our government for mucking up this health care system. I believe it is one of the systems we will be seeing come down and I celebrate the prospect. This is not the way health care should look.

Below is an update from a s he dukes dental office visit for 4 of my children. After taking them out of school for the appointment I was told by the dental office manager that we would need to separate, the children being taken one by one into the back for treatment and others left in the waiting room. I politely asked if we might all stay together and assured him we would stay out of the way. I was told that if I wanted to do that I should have brought someone else with me. I have never had a pediatric practitioner insist on testing my kids without my presence or worse leaving them in a waiting area alone. So I wanted to share. Do not settle for this type of practice. I can tell you as a mom and trained lawyer this is Not right.

Video from dentist visit where the dental office manager demanded I separate from my kids
The dentists
(None of them talked to us about this policy, only Jorge Perez, the Manager. He gave me the number for Daisy his boss in another office, but she has not returned my call.)
The office. Scary that they have a sign that warms people not to threaten the staff…why would I leave my children alone in a waiting room if people have been threatening the staff?! This is not a normal dental office.

#healthcare #dayinthelife #family #singlemom #undercoverstory #medicaid #dentist #customerservice #parentalrights #familyfirst #momlife #teamkelly #standup #savethecountry #savethechildren #commonsense #kindness #dowhatsright

The unbelievable letter I received yesterday

On Mental Health – Part III

Quite honestly, when I begin writing my Mental Health awareness posts, I knew there would be three and stated this. Parts I and II came easily. But I struggled a bit with Part III. That is why it took me this long to post. I really wanted it to be encouraging not depressing. And finally I believe it has been revealed.

There is a book I used to read to my children when they were little. It’s called We’re Going on a Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury. The mantra throughout the repetitive structure is: “We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh, no! We’ve got to go through it!” And I think of this often with regard to living in the wake of my family members’ suicides. And it applies as well to many of our challenging situations in life. It is the thing everyone needs to know. Sometimes there is simply no easy solution. Life can be crappy. Really crappy. I’ve experienced many of the common crappy experiences that affect our human society. You know of my experience with the death of family members. By the way, my sister’s death occurred between my two boys’ if I did not mention that previously. She was 46 and died in hospice due to liver failure. I’ve also experienced the financial difficulties that can affect single mom providers and business owners.

I’ve been sued. I’ve lost money in business. I’ve woken up feeling the panic and oppression of debt. Each instance was super stressful. Everyone has such experiences. And every time life presses us down all we can do is make our way through, step by slogging step.

Don’t get me wrong. The loss of my two boys dealt what I thought was a death blow to my lifelong Christian faith (Catholic for the 9 years prior to their passing). I am only just now starting to allow myself to be open to the idea of a caring God again, which was for so long a foreign concept to me in the wake of my overwhelming grief.

I met with my priest earlier this week and he prescribed a book for me, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. I have only just started but the priest believes it will help and I have to trust him because I don’t know what to do but accept the help that comes my way in whatever way it comes. I cannot be choosy. I have since the passing of my first boy taken any advice, any suggestions that are offered because I have felt that nothing can hurt. In the beginning many people offered the Bible, or verses of it or other faith based commentary, as well as other books that I politely thanked them for and then put away because I was in a faith crisis. I think many people thought that I maybe hadn’t had a strong enough faith but the fact is I was a practicing Christian all my life, doing all the things one is “supposed to,” and had sought to raise my children in the faith as well, reading them bible stories, blessing them at night, praying ceaselessly for them. And then one died. Inexplicably. And then 10 months later another one was lost, even more inexplicably. And I was lost along with them. I questioned my once deep, strong faith. It was shaken to the core. How could I continue to believe in a God who is said to care and who is supposed to answer us when we call, and most importantly, is said to protect our children when we ask? And yet he had ignored my nightly prayer, my daily repetitive mantra to watch over my children, to protect their once tiny, then more grown, minds, bodies, spirits, souls. I felt he had completely abandoned me. How do you go on in faith after that kind of a blow, that kind of a perceived betrayal by a God who in the Christian Bible is likened to a father. What kind of father refuses to answer such a pure prayer? That has been my struggle, but I am trying one step at a time to dig out, to trusts blindly beyond what my reason can do. We will see how that ends.

So, today, what I want to say is, in answer to my own question, which is “What do you do when everything makes you sad? Cooking because you remember the meals you cooked for your loved one….going to the school because you remember your happy senior about to graduate…eating because your table was once full of happy, laughing children…watching a movie because you last watched it with your lost loved one… reading because it is a book that was on your loved one’s to read list and he never got to read it… working because it is where you were when your loved one died even though you didn’t know it yet…. going to church because you had to plan two funerals in one year….and I could go on. There is only one thing you can do. You can’t go over it. You can’t go under it. You cannot escape it. You must go through it. But you can slowly begin to trust and hope and maybe even pray a little. And maybe just maybe there is a God who will hear. You can look at one thing of beauty in nature like a flower or a beautiful sunset and you can find focused enjoyment. You can accept the hug of a friend or family member. You can help those who need someone in their life. You can just put one foot in front of the other and get good sleep and eat good food and breathe good air and try to open your heart to love even when it brings pain. You can just go on, one tiny step at a time.

On Mental Health Part II: Firearms and Suicide

Warning to readers: This article addresses a very serious and disturbing cultural trend.

In our last article, Part I, we addressed mental health generally with encouragement and (hopefully)helpful ideas. Now we will address a specific area of mental health which is suicide prevention. This is a bit of a misnomer and I generally prefer the term suicide awareness. However, for purposes of this article, you understand the gist.

The fact is we cannot always know when someone is suicidal and many people take their own lives without having a history of what we might consider suicidal ideation or behavior. In my experience with my family members, this was the case. It was sudden and out of the blue. Especially in the case of teenage boys or young men, who disproportionately comprise the suicide completion statistics, multiplied where firearms are used, the decision and action can be very impulsive and seemingly sudden. And yet there is a period of premeditation in which the plan is put into action. It can be minutes, hours, days, even longer. Oftentimes these plans may be concocted in secret but there are still actions we can take as family members, loved ones, or even members of society that can help reduce the likelihood of a completed suicide act.

Of course we can talk to the person and ask if they are ok. Maybe share a meal or treat, spend time with them. Maybe we have the answer to whatever is troubling them. Or even just talking with us can help them feel better enough to continue on, to press forward through the life challenges that have presented, real or imagined.

We can also take the practical step of removing harmful objects from their sphere that are typically used for suicidal purposes. This could be lethal medication or other substances, toxic cleaning products, sharp objects and most obviously firearms.

Especially for teen boys and young men, firearms are a very common form of suicide. And where firearms are used, the completion rate is 90% as opposed to a much lower rate with other methods. In my opinion and tragic experience, it is extremely inadvisable to have firearms in a home with teenage or young adult people even if they seem happy, normal, healthy. In my situation, my sons obtained both of the firearms they used from their father and his girlfriend’s home. The firearms were unfortunately not securely stored. Even though I reasonably requested that they safeguard their home after the first tragedy, they refused. Even after our second son lost his precious life, in a court hearing the girlfriend argued in her testimony in support of keeping her firearms: “if it is not a gun, it’s going to be something else. Do I need to lock up a knife or rope or a dog leash?” This, as we have illustrated above, begs the question because the point is that a firearm increases the likelihood of success of the plan. Keeping firearms in the home when you have teens at home, especially males, compounds the risk of suicide, and is, pardon the pun, simply a Russian Roulette.

Preventing suicide death in teens and young adults is different from preventing firearm accidental death, especially with younger children. With young children, perhaps storing the firearm unloaded with ammunition separate may be sufficient. With teens and young adults, if they have access to the firearm they may be able to obtain ammunition separately on their own. They are also smarter and more observant, and unfortunately, able to keep better secrets, than younger children. You may not be aware that they have observed how you access your firearms and ammunition. In fact, perhaps you have even shared that with them and they have used your firearm with you at target practice. Familiarity with firearms may help to prevent accidental death but it is not going to help prevent death by suicide and may even contribute to it. One does not have to be expert at firing a firearm to compete a suicide when the intention and impulsivity is there.

I myself used to maintain a firearm and was properly trained to use it, and kept up to date with the intention of protecting my family. However, since my first son passed I no longer keep a firearm in my home, recognizing the risk for my other children is greater than the potential good. I have some other methods of security such as cameras and a watch dog (well, he is a golden retriever but hopefully a potential intruder would not realize this). I also have pepper spray for when we are out. I live in a state where firearms can now be carried openly, but I see it as too much of a risk for our family and would caution others with teens or young adult children in their home to avoid it as well.

I understand nostalgia of firearm culture in our country is strong but we are living in different times right now when our young people are facing such strong negative influences. They are still affected from the shutdown that caused so much isolation. They are facing the pressures of constant social media attention. And the environment for attaining college is very competitive.

I hope my personal narrative has been helpful to you as you navigate this heavy issue and that we can continue to improve the state of mental health of those around us and prevent needless tragedies.

In a crisis situation, call 988.

For more information you can see: Means Matter, https://hsph.harvard.edu/research/means-matter/means-matter-basics/firearm-access-is-a-risk-factor-for-suicide/; https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10233739; https://www.uchicagomedicine.org/forefront/research-and-discoveries-articles/firearm-related-suicide-trends; https://publichealth.jhu.edu/center-for-gun-violence-solutions/data/annual-gun-violence-data; https://www.medpagetoday.com/psychiatry/generalpsychiatry/83665

And please visit the blog my friend started in the wake of my son’s passing, which has more practical information as well as more personal stories. teensuicideandguns.com

Be safe. Be well. Come back for what I hope will be an encouraging Part III.

The Narcissist Does Not Want to Let You Go

Tonight I made a dinner that I used to make early in my marriage. That marriage ended 20 years after it began and it has been officially over for nearly 8 years. In those 8 years I have learned much through reflection and study. When I divorced I had never heard about narcissism but as I read about it I saw my situation in the examples of others. As the connected community of the internet world can do, it provided first revelation and then comfort that I was not alone. Circling back to my opening mention of the meal I used to make, my spouse would request that meal and then complain that my breath smelled like garlic (even though we had eaten the same thing and he knew it contained garlic).

If you have experience being in a relationship with a person with narcissistic tendencies you will understand how these constant mind games cause you to question yourself. In my case I felt I was so faulty, not at fault one time or in an instance but faulty by nature. I struggled to correct myself, through reading books, prayer, meditation, and much effort. In the lens of my religious outlook at that time, I viewed myself as having a mirror on me once I had married and had children, which spotlighted the faults I had hidden as a single person. In retrospect, this was completely false. It was my spouse casting doubt on my thoughts, my ways, my character. And this continued throughout the marriage., unrecognized by me until after my divorce.

When I divorced I only knew I would not continue to survive in my marriage, so miserable was I, feeling completely incapable of being a good mother due to constant criticism from my spouse.

But once you leave a narcissist they can never let you go. Your hopes of being able to coparent peaceably now that you live separately will never come to be.

In my case, my narcissist has gone to every length over the last 8 years since our divorce. When he realized I was never coming back, he continued to undermine my relationship with the children. This resulted in alienation and estrangement and ultimately the death by suicide of my two oldest sons.

He would literally set me up to be arrested for “drunk driving” on St. Patrick’s Day, when I had been at a church event with no alcohol. He would send photos of the booking photo of me to my law firm.

He would side with his girlfriend as she sat in my seat next to my children at the funeral, stalked me, put nails in my tires, and sued me. Together they would tell the community my children were theirs together and demonize me to the children.

On the night our son died (with my ex’s gun, obtained from the girlfriend’s house where he lived) he would have me committed to the insane asylum by telling the authorities that I had no friends to come and be with me and needed to be locked away instead.

And most recently, he would concoct a story for the department of children and families involving violence and drug abuse and send them to the schools to interrogate my already traumatized children. (I have never used drugs, legal or illegal.)

In your own case you may receive accusations of sexual promiscuity, which is another favorite go to of the narcissist.

This may seem farcical. The fact is that my resources including being a professional and an involved member of the community have helped me defend his arrows. Not all may have this in their favor and I am sure many fall to the narcissist’s tactics.

It is never ending but I continue to stand strong to protect and defend my kids and be the best mom I can, constantly having to remind myself that I am not that person I was cast to be for the years I was with him and instead choosing to view myself through the eyes of those who know me and love me. It is a continual journey. If you are on it, I accompany you and send you strength.

The Absolute Horror of Coparenting with a Narcissist

If you have not experienced “co-parenting” with a narcissist you cannot begin to understand the horror of it. Not only has your authority likely been chiseled away by them during the marriage so that by the time you divorce the children may have little respect for you, but there is more. They will likely continue to portray you as the “bad guy,” playing into the children’s reactions to your attempts to assert authority. It will be fine for them to leave the children unattended but if you let the children walk about or ride their bikes they will be yelling that you are not properly supervising. They will force the children into the activities they want them to participate in (likely those their new significant other is involved with) and portray any you suggest negatively. They will pick and choose what they want to pay for regardless of court orders that provide that they share equally in expenses. And mostly they will rush to the courthouse if you speak the truth like this.

Listen to more about narcissists from two of my favorite sources: Rebecca Zung on and Renee Swanson!

Focusing on Mental Health: Part I

This is Part I of Focusing on Mental Health. Encouraging people to focus on mental health is a passion of mine, borne out of the untimely loss of my two teenage sons to suicide. I learned from this that even when someone seems fine on the outside you just don’t know what could be happening on the inside. So it is imperative to take a measure of our own mental health as well as those around us, and to pay attention to the details.

So how can we support our mental health? There are a many ways as there are differences in people. Some of my personal favorites are walking in nature – sometimes the boardwalk surrounded by pines or mangroves, sometimes on the beach. Even if I don’t have time for a very long walk I like to place my bare feet on the grass or sand. This grounds us and is very healthy mentally and physically. Since the connection between the physical and the mental is so strong I also make real plant based food and enjoy it with my family. Yoga or stretching, meditating, and breath work are also very important. And at the most basic level, when I am feeling despair, I go to bed, with an effort to support a full and healthy sleep, knowing that after a restful night, somehow everything will seem a bit more bearable and conquerable. After repeating this many times we learn as adults that this is the case. But it is important to instill this in our young people who don’t yet have this experiential maturity. To them (and to us when we were their age) anything could be the literal end of the world. So exemplifying this behavior before them as we make our way through life is really key for them.

I hope you enjoyed Part I. Stay tuned for Part II where we will get a bit more specific.

On the Evils of Guardianship

What is guardianship you may ask? In the state of Florida, where I practice as an attorney (thankfully not in that arena!) it is the mechanism by which a person is appointed to make financial and healthcare decisions for someone who has been deemed incapable of doing so themselves.

Let me tell you… it is something to be avoided! Not only do you lose complete control over your assets and your healthcare decisions, but the process results in lining the pockets of facilities, professional guardians, their attorneys and other attorneys involved in the process. If you hated attorneys before you will hate them even more if you enter into this arena. Believe me. 

It is a process bogged down with inefficiencies where very little can be accomplished.

I am happy that I do not practice in this area. Today however, I had a little window to peer into this unseemly practice area. Yikes! I wish I’d never looked. I cannot unsee what I saw.

How did I find myself in this situation? You may wonder since I do my very best to stay out of court, representing only trust in a state planning, probate and corporate clients. Well, let me tell you. This is how it happened,

The proceedings of a guardianship touched on one of my probate estates as the ward passed away, and my client was appointed the personal representative to handle the estate. How naïve I was to believe that at that point the words monies should be tendered to the personal representative to administer on behalf of the beneficiaries. Oh no, no no that is not how the process goes laughed, the guardians, Attorney and the judge who retained $50,000 of the wards monies in the guardianship account to go towards the guardian and her attorney who already received vast sums.

 I used to be a commercial litigator, but I had not been in the courtroom for sometime still, I do not consider myself naïve however I was ill equipped for the judges, complete refusal to listen to my pointing out potentially fraudulent activity in the guardianship and excessive attorneys fees. court. We were told that this is just the way guardianship goes and the attorney would indeed be entitled to the $80,000 of attorneys fees or so for working on the case representing the guardian for two years. This does not even include the fees paid to the guardian herself. Oh yes, it is a lucrative business to be a professional Professional Guardian, and even more so to represent one as an attorney.

Let me be clear … the work of a guardian’s attorney appears to consist of mainly compiling bank statements and cancel checks and attaching them to a form pleading. Not high-tech, not brain surgery, certainly not rocket science. But apparently worth top dollar. 

While we were there, we had the opportunity to observe another matter where apparently the ward was trapped in a psychiatric facility often referred to as a “rehab facility or, as many would refer to it, a nursing home, who was unhappy with her guardian, and had an attorney appointed for her. So now we’re talking about layers and layers of people “working” on this matter or should I say parasitically attaching to the ward’s funds. The ward’s attorney could not even contact the ward as the facility refused to grant access to her. Read more about that in my related post upcoming on mental health facilities.…

Suffice it to say that you want to do your best to avoid getting into this arena. Believe me, you don’t want any part of this! When I asked the judge when the guardianship would be wrapped up she laughed at me. It was akin to the star of A Christmas Story when he asked Santa for the Red Rider BB Gun and Santa said you’ll shoot your eye out kid and shoved him down the spire with his boot.

Let me tell you… if I were to tell a client that they would have to wait several months for a project I can tell you they would not remain a client very long.

I am so happy I don’t have to be part of that system with all of its inefficiencies and fraud. There are many articles out there that detail the fraud involved in professional guardianships in the state of Florida that you can read about. It has been in the news quite a bit.

How to avoid? Stay physically and mentally fit, have at least one trusted person in your life and make an estate plan.

On the Airport

Airports have really changed haven’t they? Maybe it is just because previously we did t need to be waiting around in these institutions for hours before a flight so we didn’t need all the food and more importantly drink options. In any event my recent flight in and out of La Guardia highlighted this. This literally used to be the most broke down NY airport! Actually almost crumbling to the ground. I was afraid the building would collapse and by plane would not get off the ground back in the 90’s! Now my overseas colleagues were jealous that I got to fly into LGA and they were punished with the JFK experience.

But really for me it’s simple. I don’t need fancy. I just want clean bathrooms with a hook on which to hang my bag in the stall and stocked toilet seat covers. LGA delivered! They even have a bathroom attendant. Very clean and almost posh.

I also like to spend my wait performing the shopping for articles I don’t normally have time to search for. For me this is usually makeup or perfume or both!

But the fancy restaurants don’t hurt do they? It feels quite civilized to spend your time encased in a lovely environment in between the humiliation of being almost strip searched at TSA and the boarding cattle call. We can pretend after all.

My thoughts on air travel at the moment. Would love to hear your comments on the best and worst airports!

On Daylight Savings

I know I’m not the only one who takes a while to adjust to daylight savings time every single year. Every year the one hour deficit is brutal. This year I began to think more deeply about this.

Everyone complains about the time change. No one can reasonably explain how it came about and what the real reason behind it was/is. In fact, 75% of Americans would prefer to ditch the ridiculous act. (Cytowic, Richard E., MD, Why So Many People Hate Daylight Saving Time, Psychology Today, 3/8/2023.)

Let’s consider the history and then I will present my suggestion.

I didn’t even know this until I researched for this post. Daylight savings time was instituted in Germany in 1916 during WWI, and later adopted in the US. It was reinstitute during WWII. It is a wartime measure, meant to conserve energy! (McMillan, Alexx, Coloradan Alumni Magazine, 11/7/2022.)

The obvious fact is that it only shifts the light from the front end of the day to the latter. This may have made sense in the past…maybe? But in today’s modern age, what exactly is the point?

My dog snoozing because it’s still so dark

“Biologically speaking, it is normal, and even critical, for nature to do more during the brighter months and to do less during the darker ones…Like trees and flowers, we also need winter to rest and summer to bloom.” (Tollemar, Rachelle Wilson, Voices, Los Angeles Times, 10/29/2025; see also Jacobs, Phil, Does daylight saving time make sense? Scientists debate pros and cons, Science, 3/24/2025.)

One article referred to the effect of the time change as creating a “social jet lag” and it is well established that the result is sleep issues that are epidemic, and sleep issues lead to other health problems. This contributes to a negative effect on employees and product output in the economy. (Neumann, Philipp, et al., Sage Journals, 1/21/2025; see also Solan, Matthew, The dark side of daylight saving time, Harvard Health Publishing, 3/1/2023.)

What time is it? My dog still half asleep in DST

So…it doesn’t really have a positive effect on energy use or economics, and it leaves a national (international!) sleep deficit, negatively affecting our health by disrupting our circadian rhythms. If it ever was useful, which cannot be proven, it certainly is not today, and should be jettisoned.

And now for my crazy conspiracy theory. I believe the intent is more than the oft-stated noble attempt to help farmers or save energy. I believe that the annual requirement, whatever the initial purpose, is now a device to disrupt and create chaos. Every year we are, for no reason, faced with a disruption that can take at least a week to adjust to. It prevents us from aligning with nature in a way that is gentle and progressive. Instead of waking to the birds chirping we awake to blackness yet our clock states the time as the same. Our brain cannot compute. If our pets are not getting it with all of their intuition, I think we should be reconsidering. I rest my case.

Open Letter From Your Dying Mother or Father

This post is informed by the clients and families I have served in my role as an estate planning and probate attorney and all the different scenarios I have witnessed. It is also inspired by my father who cared for his own mother who suffered from alzhiemers until she was 100 in her own home, performing hilarious acts of “losing the keys,” “taking the car in for service,” and “cleaning the stove knobs” to make sure she and others stayed safe yet happy.

Please make sure I am not lonely enough to have to accept the false love of a romantic scammer.

Please recognize when I am struggling to live on my own even if I resist out of fierce independence.

Please don’t let me accidentally kill a younger person while driving my car. If I can’t get around very well or am not thinking clearly please be strong enough to hide my keys.

Please encourage … forcefully if needed … me to get my affairs in order no matter how fine I am feeling. My end will come eventually and I don’t want to leave a mess behind.

Please don’t perform deathbed gymnastics and try to get me to sign legal documents while I am in the hospital.

Please don’t be waiting for me to die just so you can profit from whatever my assets are.

Please be my advocate and check in on me regularly whether I am living at home or in a facility. Maybe I need someone to come in weekly or even daily to help me if you are out of town.

Please encourage me to take advantage of the conveniences of uber and grocery delivery so I am not struggling to make my way around the grocery store or just not eating.

Please consider providing help with pets. My pet is my companion and important to my well being but I may not be able to provide for their needs as well as I once did.

Please be my advocate and ask the questions I cannot in the hospital and of my doctors and other financial and health providers.

Please encourage me to socialize at the senior center or provide companionship that can come into my home.

Please ask the hard questions about what I consider quality of life.

My Request for Help and a Response That Will Blow Your Mind

I want to add some more context to try to support others going through this. Today I want to share some email from a “flying monkey” which is a colloquial term for those who support the narcissist despite their devious deeds. Let me lay the groundwork in case you have not read previous or earlier posts. In short, I was married to a guy who was well educated and had a great job and then dropped out of normal society even though we had five children together. Since our divorce I have been supporting our kids with very little support from him, even though I was previously a stay at home mom for several years. Fortunately I am a lawyer and was able to pick up where I had left off. Otherwise I don’t know where we’d be.

Not only do I have to deal with my ex refusing to support our five children but I have to deal with abusive emails from his also narcissistic older brother.

A little more background: tragically, we lost our two sons in 2024 due in large part to the abusive environment created by their father, especially quickly bringing another woman into their lives when they were young and we had just divorced. He moved them into her home where she had her own children and her husband had only died by suicide the year previous.

At our second son’s funeral in January of 2025 the ex’s brother appeared. I was avoiding dealing with the attendees and did not even want to attend this second funeral of my children in one year but my good friends told me I must and were there by my side. The brother of my ex forced his way up to me and put his huge arm around me and said whatever you and your kids need let us (meaning he and his wife and their minions of dollars) know. So one month later I requested three specific needs such as assisting with the payment of my kids’ sports, competitive cheer and soccer. I leave you to review my requests and his response, below.

My Request:

“If you are serious about helping us, here are some ideas for your consideration: 1. You could try to persuade *** (ex) that it is appropriate to commit to a firearm free household. 2. You could contribute toward ***’s (14 year old child) competitive cheer fees financially or by observing her competitions. The cost is $360 per month. We have approximately 6 out of town competitions per season which also have hotel and other associated travel costs. 3. You could encourage *** (16 year old child) in his pursuit of competitive soccer. 4. Transportation is always an issue for me, especially since *** (17 year old son who passed away) used to help me with that. I appreciate your consideration.”

Did I ask too much? Was it unreasonable to accept an offer of help and provide practical ideas that would help my family in a real way in our time of grief and need?

As a back drop I will add that I have received only $240 for all five of my children since the divorce in 2018. I was awarded zero alimony after a 20 year marriage during which I was a stay at home mom for a good portion.

And here is his response:

“Thank you for your recent message sharing your concerns. Some general thoughts: 1. I don’t appreciate your implication that I don’t sincerely care for your children. I don’t take orders from you. You voluntarily left this family. I would love to help the kids but I will work through *** (ex) to do so. When you divorced him, you also divorced yourself from me and the rest of the family. I will also work through him because I don’t trust your judgment. I’m not privy to the reasons behind it, and I’m also not privy to any attempts to avoid it, if there were any. But I believe that a marriage is a sacred contract and both parties need to work through any issues together, in good faith…you can’t deny how a nasty divorce and the financial ramifications can destroy a family. I never understood why you needed a divorce. The amount of child support you received was what the court thought was appropriate. It was inappropriate for you to take your kids on the cruise you had planned after *** died. Enrolling in competitive cheer, soccer and horseback riding lessons is extravagant and you should learn to live within your means. There is no reason *** (ex) must contribute to these activities. You need to learn to say no to your children for a change. As far as firearms go, we are against them but the court decided *** could keep his and far be it from us to speak to the issue. I would love to support your kids in activities that are financially appropriate for your family. I urge you to stop making poor financial decisions for your family. The kids can play school sports. *** (ex)’s girlfriend is a lovely person and you should be more respectful and nicer to her. Your blog is self-serving and misleading. You need to do better and be better. We’re going to be in town and would love to see the kids. Thank you!”

What is the lesson? I guess don’t take people up on their offers of help? Not really sure but it added grief to grief. Just wanted to share in case commiserating can help you.