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Walk a Day in My Shoes 👠

This is a true undercover story. I decided to become as one of the disadvantaged members of our society to gain compassion. Well, I wish that were true. But the sad truth is this is a story about my life.

I went to law school, married a man there with a similar level graduate degree. We married, had five children. He was the breadwinner. I was the stay at home, homeschool mom. And one day he quit his job. Just quit. With no intention of finding a replacement position.

One day my husband is top dog at a huge international company and my family has full medical and dental coverage. And the next he quits and we have NO insurance coverage.

I jumped through hoops and was finally able to get the other two covered. It took so much time & energy. Then in 2020, we’ll what can we say about 2020? “Bad year” would be an understatement. The kids were kicked out of Healthy Kids and down to Medicaid. I was mortified. Here I am an attorney and my kids are on Medicaid!

When we divorced a few years after living this way I agreed in our settlement to provide their health coverage because he refused. After paying private insurance for a while I applied for Florida Healthy Kids. Since my ex has three kids for tax purposes while I have the other two, the two who are under me did not qualify because of my income. The other three qualified because his reported income made it possible (while he took at least 5 international trips).

The two kids who I had worked so hard to get covered under Healthy Kids now ended up in a version of Medicaid with a $3,000 per month deductible. Not a misprint. Y’all, that’s $36,000 a year one could spend before coverage would kick in! Is there any private insurance that would rival that kind of cost?

Before the change in coverage I had been seeking medical answers to an issue my oldest son was having, while at the same time exploring natural options. We had been issued cards bearing a new PCP assignment. I contacted them at the number on the card to restart the process of investigating the issue.

After giving my address , the receptionist asked me which office in a city at least 5 hours away I would like to visit. What?! How did we get assigned to a doctor there?!

Remedying this situation took more calls and time which involved going through an automated system to try to change the PCP which did not list the old PCP…whose office said they are a provide under the coverage.

Now I will tell you another story. It is called Going to the Medicaid Dentist. A new experience. Three children and I arrive. With the above shuffling we had been required to switch to a different dentist. I complete massive amounts of paperwork of course. Then I am informed by the receptionist that today will be x-rays, then we will come back for the cleanings. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This is the way the Medicaid contract works they explained. Finally B is called back. The girls & I are told to wait. I have never been asked to separate from a child before and didn’t like it one bit. We wait. Wait. Wait. And Mama Bear erupts and demands to be shown to her child this moment! I tell them we are All coming back this time. Oh, there was a machine malfunction. Great. So someone couldn’t come and let me know? And what exactly does a machine malfunction mean when that machine is a special machine that targets radiation at your body? (Oh, BTW, this dentist requires 6 x-rays every 6 months!)

The x-Ray visit took 3 hours! Three hours of missed school instruction, and three more to come at the cleaning!

What it brings to light is…INEFFICIENCY! Seriously, no wonder poor people can’t work! They spend their days waiting at the freaking doctor & dentist!

Yes, but more. Here I am an educated mom who is having to use every brain cel possible to figure out how to get through this system. How does the average Medicaid mom do it? I’m a lawyer & I can barely figure out how to move forward on behalf of my family. Meanwhile, of course I am using my education and abilities to adjust and build up and be able to provide without any government support. But not everyone has that.

Shame on my kids’ dad. Shame on our government for mucking up this health care system. I believe it is one of the systems we will be seeing come down and I celebrate the prospect. This is not the way health care should look.

Below is an update from a s he dukes dental office visit for 4 of my children. After taking them out of school for the appointment I was told by the dental office manager that we would need to separate, the children being taken one by one into the back for treatment and others left in the waiting room. I politely asked if we might all stay together and assured him we would stay out of the way. I was told that if I wanted to do that I should have brought someone else with me. I have never had a pediatric practitioner insist on testing my kids without my presence or worse leaving them in a waiting area alone. So I wanted to share. Do not settle for this type of practice. I can tell you as a mom and trained lawyer this is Not right.

Video from dentist visit where the dental office manager demanded I separate from my kids
The dentists
(None of them talked to us about this policy, only Jorge Perez, the Manager. He gave me the number for Daisy his boss in another office, but she has not returned my call.)
The office. Scary that they have a sign that warms people not to threaten the staff…why would I leave my children alone in a waiting room if people have been threatening the staff?! This is not a normal dental office.

#healthcare #dayinthelife #family #singlemom #undercoverstory #medicaid #dentist #customerservice #parentalrights #familyfirst #momlife #teamkelly #standup #savethecountry #savethechildren #commonsense #kindness #dowhatsright

The unbelievable letter I received yesterday

On Transparency: The Power of Shared Stories

I feel like everyone is kind of coming out of a period of hibernation as we enter this new year, speaking truths that have laid dormant for quite a while. We endured such a period of censorship that now podcasters and journalists are swinging in the opposite direction, more expressive, controversial and in your face than ever.

I too am embracing the new year with a new face to the blog. I want to be more transparent, more out front also. The stories here are mine and I am claiming them. They are told to help others because that is the beauty of our current society, how we can go online and read about others’ experiences when we thought we were alone in our experience, and know that ours is a common experience. This helps us. No matter how bad our situation we can see that others have or maybe are currently experiencing the same, and we can draw on the strength of this commonality. Strength in numbers. Even if the person who shares your experience is half a world away or otherwise very different from you. It can also stir emotions and generate debate and my encouragement to readers is that you consider others’ ideas, let them percolate before rejecting or reacting vehemently. When we close ourselves to new ideas this is often fear based. You do not have to accept every new idea as your own, but it makes us more well rounded and balanced to listen and consider.

So, I hope you like the new look. I hope you continue to read and that the stories here help you on our own journey. Enjoy! Happy New Year!

Revamping the Broken US Education System

Talking with a teacher friend of mine this weekend provided great insight into a clearly broken system.

As background, recall that the current US public educational system stems from the efforts of devoted self proclaimed democratists Horace Mann and John Dewey. As Secretary of the Massachusetts Board of Education, Mann championed the idea of “common schools” that were free, publicly funded, nonsectarian, and accessible to all children. He emphasized standardized curriculum, professional teacher training, and compulsory attendance, arguing that education was essential for civic virtue, social stability, and economic opportunity. Mann’s reforms became a model adopted by other states and laid the structural foundation of the U.S. public education system.

John Dewey promoted progressive education, viewing schools as social institutions that should prepare students for active citizenship.

Enter John D. Rockefeller, noted “philanthropist,” who intended public schools to prepare students for the factory, complete with bells announcing start and end times and a hyper focus on obedience and punctuality.

In a nutshell, the public school system was designed to promote the standardization of the student population. Add in laws making school mandatory, progressively up until higher grade levels, and you arrive at the current US educational K-12 educational system. Of course the quality and safety may vary from locale to locale as we are a large country with more diversity every day.

With that framework in mind, it is not hard to see the very farcical result, revealed in several tidbits, that we see today. Now, understand that my examples are coming out of a very highly rated school district in an upper level geographic economic area.

First, we see teachers being highly restricted by a wrote “script” for each subject, marked by learning goals. They are told what to cover each day and how much time to spend on each subject and topic within the subject. This is irregardless of the class demographic or progress. My own high school student was told by her math teacher when she flagged a need for clarification that it was time to move on to the next lesson. (And my students are high competency level in math.) The movement seems to be toward a system where robots can replace current live teachers as there is currently zero room for discretion.

One very odd thing my friend revealed is that the teachers in our district are required to create a goals plan like you do as an employee in a private company. They are made to review their performance and to state their goals for the future. I asked why this would be when the plan is already presented in terms of what they are to teach day by day moment by moment. Either they are doing it or they are not, right? Seems like a total waste of time.

I was also floored to learn that even kindergartners are made to take standardized tests on the computer. Isn’t this the age group everyone is always saying should wait until they are older to use devices? Why are we then requiring them to take standardized tests on a computer? My friend noted that most teachers of this age group are focusing on making sure their students aren’t pooping or peeing in their pants!

Finally, one thought I have about the educational climate, and that I have held for some time, is that it makes no sense to split up subjects into distinct sections…math for one hour, now science, not reading… This is not reflective of life. It would be more realistic to use holistic lesson plans that integrate all of the subject areas. This is why I loved the literature based Five in a Row program for my young elementary students when I homeschooled. When I took the Bar exam, the essay questions would combine several areas of law that you had to pick out and address. This is more real life.

The bottom line is that we are still operating with a system that was created at the beginning of the industrial revolution when we are in the technological age of AI. We need new pioneers to help revamp so that our students can face the realities of the world today.

Coping with Holiday Grief: Navigating Loss During the Festive Season

Last year I lost my two precious teenage boys to suicide, one in February, the other in December. We just passed Sean’s one year angelversary. Because they both died using firearms, my dear friend began a blog early this year that seeks to bring awareness to the issues of gun violence and suicide, especially where teens or younger children are concerned. I have been blessed to provide content for this blog throughout the year. She asked me recently to provide my thoughts on how to cope over the holidays after losing a loved one.

Definitely the holidays can highlight the loneliness we feel in the wake of losing a loved one. During ordinary times it is easy to keep our schedule filled to help us be busy and distracted. At least this is my “m.o.”. But the holidays force us to slow down, sometimes be alone and face all of our feelings head on. When it comes to grief there is no set pattern, no numbered step by step plan. There are no appropriate or inappropriate feelings. Everything is acceptable. You might feel angry one day. Another day you might be consumed with sadness. And this could be interspersed with happy or funny memories that bring you feelings of love and joy. All of these are perfectly normal.

In my case, one thing that brings home my loss this time of year is that my son Sean was a senior in highschool In the wake of his passing, many of his friends reached out to me and we have kept in contact. Knowing he had these dear friends in his life has been a comfort and joy to me. Spending time with them allows me to live vicariously and experience the life he did not get to live through them. There were many moments over the last year that really highlighted my loss. At graduation time it was hard to see all of his classmates passing through this milestone event. At the end of summer they all went off to college and I thought I should be helping him shop for the items he needs to make his dorm or apartment home.

Now the friends are back from college and this at once brings me face to face with the reality that while these friends are 1/8 finished with college, he will never go to college, never graduate from college, never become a full-fledged launched adult. This is the sad part. The heartwarming part is that I see evidence of them visiting his spot at the memorial gardens, their flowers, photos and Christmas decorations they leave to show that he is remembered. And I also get to catch up with them and hear about their experiences. It makes me happy to see them happy. We don’t always talk about Sean but I feel safe and comfortable if I want to because they knew him.

Coping is all about putting one foot in front of the other. For me, as I think I have depicted, it helps to build purpose around the loss, which makes me feel it is not all for naught. I also spend as much time as possible outdoors. I take nature walks almost daily and sometimes several times a day. All forms of yoga are also helpful. And of course, finding your own unique, or maybe just traditional, ways to memorialize your loved one. This does not have to look like everyone else’s ways. It does not have to be the same every year either. This year, my boys stockings hang by their three younger siblings. On the tree I placed two special ornaments that make me think of them, each one a representative of a sport each boy liked. Their spots at the memorial garden have beautiful Christmas bouquets of artificial poinsettia and Christmas ornaments all tied up with Christmas ribbons. There is no wrong or right here.

Finally the one thing that helps me this time of year and all through the year is knowing they are still here with me. Matter does not just disappear and though they are in a different form the non-physical part of them is here. I don’t have a theology or philosophy for that and maybe it flies in the face of certain religious beliefs and traditions but it is essential for my ability to to put one foot in front of the other and honor my boys’ memories. Know that you are not alone.

Real Stories: Parenting with a Narcissistic Ex

This is a real life example of what it can look like when a narcissist gains equal parenting time.

He will demand equal parenting time even though he has never before taken the children to the doctor (and probably doesn’t even know who the doctor is), dealt with the schools or made them their daily meals.

He will quickly move in with a girlfriend because he does not have a house. The children will become second class citizens to the girlfriend’s children. The girlfriend’s children will have their own bedrooms. Your children will share. The girlfriend’s children will wear designer clothes and have their own cars. Yours will be told not to sit on the couch and eat the food in the house.

Your ex narcissist will co-coach a soccer team with the girlfriend’s son. Your son will ask the dad if he can co-coach with him and the dad will tell him no.

The narcissist will be too busy “working” to attend important events of the children’s including concerts and sporting events. However, he will find plenty of time to travel with the girlfriend.

Even though he is “working” anytime an important event occurs he will tell you he never has money to support the children’s activities. He will refuse to financially support the sports or other activities they are passionate about. However, he will show up when convenient for him as the proud soccer dad.

How I Spent My Perfect Winter Solstice

It is not often I have a completely unscheduled day that is completely open to opportunity but I was blessed to have such a one today. And how appropriate for it to occur on Winter Solstice. Here is how I chose to spend it. I took my time waking up between 7:00-7:30. Along with completing my everyday wake-up routine I cuddled with the cats who joined me on my bed. Puppy was still sleeping on the floor beside my bed.

Downstairs I made coffee and took puppy for a longish walk down to the fire station and back. Back home I checked the butterfly garden and refilled the bird bath.

More coffee on the lanai with a cat on my lap.

Then I took my car to the car wash and vacuumed up all the dirt from the barn yesterday.

I took a brief walk down the mangrove canopied boardwalk followed by yin yoga.

And the day is still only half done. I still plan to stop at the store, relax at the pool, eat my leftover fettuccine Alfredo from my dinner last night, read and drink some Prosecco.

Tell me how you would have spent your day!

Some would say I have described my perfect day but those are reserved for the ones I spend with my kids, perfectly imperfect in their grinding routine, stressful moments and me yelling a little now and then. That is the true transformative magical place. And my happiest one of all.

Navigating Teen Years with Compassion

I read a lot of books about how to be a parent before I had my first baby and when my babies were little. How to sleep train, how to potty train, later how to homeschool. I love to seek out knowledge as I pursue the paths in my life. But what I found was that there was no one answer. The fact is parenting does not come with a manual. And as soon as you figure out what works for your baby or child…guess what? You have a second very individual and unique baby who responds completely differently. This is not everyone’s experience. However, each of my five children had very different personalities and I had to continually readjust my parenting. When they were younger I referred to myself in third person because this is what I read helped them understand better. So as we continued down the road and they reached older elementary age, one day my son asked me “Mom, why are you referring to yourself in third person?” and I realized I had not read any parenting books for that time of life.

As they grew I read more books about the teenage years, constantly trying to get in front of this parenting project. I always felt a step behind.

But one book found its way into my hands and I have come back to it recently after some really hard parenting years. It is called the Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary, PhD. I have one son who is a junior in highschool who cares nothing for the academic part of school, despite natural intelligence. He cares only about soccer. The school continues to pressure him and me to turn his grades around and nothing works. I have been beating my head against the wall in the same way I did when my firstborn was potty training, believing my sheer will I could change the course of learning. But I know this is not true. However, I’ve been swept along by the school’s processes and procedures. This week I stopped and remembered the above book. The bottom line is that our children are unique beings that we do not control. Our job is to accept and to love. And that is what I am going to do from here on. The author states: “During the mid to later teen years, we are forced to reconcile our hopes for our children when they were young with the fact we are now having to deal with the problems we thought only visited other people…” In my experience, one of these issues is suicide, which affected two of my five children last year. My son and all of us are still and will always be dealing with this. The loss of two brothers is not to be overlooked. And I am not going to go along with a one size fits all process of dealing harshly with poor grades. I am recommitting to loving and supporting my son. Not letting him off the hook. Not making excuses. Just walking alongside him during a challenging time and being there for him without threats, just love.

Remembering

WARNING TO READERS: This is not happy holiday reading. This is a raw retelling of a tragic event that occurred in my life one year out and expose. The content covers serious subjects such as suicide and abuse. Read at your discretion and with that understanding.

It was a morning like this one year ago tomorrow but on a Friday so today feels more like that day. You go about your business never knowing this will be a day that changes the course of your life. The house was decorated for Christmas. I was making breakfast in the kitchen. It was a cold (for Southwest Florida) morning, especially at 6:00 a.m. I was making hot cocoa from scratch for the kids. My three highschoolers at that time were going off together each morning, leaving by 6:45. Usually my daughter came down first, the boys were usually dragging. I remember singing my version of a Christmas song, “it’s officially freezing”. I was doing what I love best, taking care of and feeding my teens. Instead of waiting for his siblings my oldest, a highschool senior, rushed downstairs and out the door. Slightly unusual but I figured since the semester was closing he was going early to meet with one of his teachers. An excellent student, he was understandably struggling a bit with precalc and physics.

I would think nothing of this departure until much later in the day. Once I dropped my other two highschoolers at school and my middle schooler left for her school, I went to yoga with my friends. I spent the rest of the day finishing up some work for the week and getting ready for the scheduled trip I was to take with my oldest for a lacrosse tournament.

When my son didn’t return home after school I began to wonder because he was pretty predictable. But I told myself maybe the team had a last practice before the trip. I compartmentalized, one part of me going about the business of taking care of my other kids and the other starting to panic, knowing something was not right. It is. not true though that you feel instinctively that a loved one is in trouble, hurt, worse. It just isn’t. At least not for me. Unless I am different than most.

Fast forward to my kids and I searching physically and via social media for my son and their brother. One of my daughters and I drove around looking for him. I think back that we were fortunate not to find him. He had turned off his Life 360 and my texts and phone calls were not going through. Something was definitely wrong. The tutor had been at the house working with my daughter and she sensed something was wrong and I shared with her and her care and support meant so much during the next hours of that day and night. Later my other son’s coach, who is also a neighbor, would come over and help me reach out to my missing son’s coach and other players who might have information about his whereabouts.

My kids’ dad had taken off that day on a trip so his girlfriend could run a race somewhere out west. When contacted regarding him going missing, they were largely unconcerned and continued on their way. They were largely unavailable that day due to no connectivity while they traveled.

After driving around to the various spots my son frequented, the park, the gym, the beach, I had filed a missing person’s report. The sheriffs, not knowing my son, maybe following their typical talking points, assured me he had run off to a party with his friends. I knew this was not true. My son was not like that. But it was a hopeful concept that part of me clung to. After all, as my daughter and I remembered together, there had been that one time he had gone to a church event out of town with a friend in a spontaneous manner without telling us beforehand. Maybe this was such an occasion. At 17 kids like to be independent and after all next year he would be at college doing his own thing. Unfortunately this was not to be the case.

I continued to search via Facebook moms groups and other avenues, doing everything I knew to do. Late that night, or really very early the following morning, the sheriffs would come to announce that they had found my son but not alive and well. He had taken his own life. Without warning. Without explanation. He had used a handgun his dad and dad’s girlfriend had left unsecured at their home.

With suicide, the when, the how are explained but the why always remains a question. But this loss did not arise out of thin air. It came on the heels and in the context of the psychological and financial abuse I have spoken about in this forum previously. He may not have directly asked for help, but I had sought help many times throughout the years from medical and mental health professionals, the justice system, the department of children and families, and the schools on behalf of my children. Over and over I was told to stop speaking out and to just be nice, told that because my kids didn’t have bruises and broken bones everything was within acceptable parameters. Over and over my kids were gaslilt by these various professionals into believing they had two equally caring parents.

Unfortunately when there are no signs of outright physical abuse, the inner wounds can go unnoticed, especially for those of us who are good at masking and pretending, performing at a high level that gives no indication of inner hurt. I am filling in the blanks. I didn’t know at the time my son was actively hurting so much. Obviously I would have done more to help him. What, I am not sure, but I would have tried anything and everything. He and I talked all the time about many things, but he never indicated he was struggling with mental health or suicidal considerations. He planned his departure strategically and quietly, catching us all off guard. There were not threats, no prior attempts. Just one decisive moment that changed everything.

As I reflect on the events of that day, which I do not do often because of the extreme pain and trauma associated with it, I am so very grateful for those who were with me and my family in that moment, the worst of our lives, and the time that would follow, . And for those who made it more difficult that night and in the year since, well, I have not forgotten them either. And I’ve also learned that being nice is overrated. I know more than ever how important it is to speak out, regardless of whether the people being exposed want you to stay quiet.

People wonder how you can go on after something like this and the answer is you just do. There is no choice. For me, I find salvation in the motivation to help others in ways that I could not help my son and that is where I direct my efforts.

On Holidays

I have had all kinds of experiences in life, a representation of the major life experiences people face. And I have experienced all kinds of holidays. While married, those with my husband who would always become pouty and grumpy without reason, although I have come to learn more about that since as I study narcissists. Holidays with my heart ripped out the first time my children spent their holiday with their father. Watching them sit in our church from the back while they sat in a pew with their father and his girlfriend. And now, 7 years post divorce, happily resigned to my holiday alone. That might seem scary to some but I have come to enjoy a holiday that has no obligations and a blank template on which I can write my own story. Today my kids ended up being in and out and I was delighted to be able to spend time with them when I thought they would be at their father’s all day. I also got to nurse my daughter who was sick. But I also volunteered at our local turkey trot, washed and vacuumed my car (I was surprised to find them open while out driving) and am headed out to dinner for 1 at a posh local jazz bar restaurant.

Honesty in Loss

Of course I cannot speak for everyone who’s lost someone but as we enter the holiday season I am confronted with the reality that this time last year my son was living and breathing and the year before both of my sons were on this earth with us.

I want people to know without having to tell them, that I have 5 children not only 3. But I don’t want to have to confront the awkward conversation that is, as one author describes, rushing forward to lessen the other person’s awkwardness at confronting my grief, my reality.

I want to be able to discuss my boys like other people talk about their children, not just as hallowed people who are no longer with us, like translucent papery ghosts. I want to say Quinn loved angel food cake, not in a weepy remembering way but just as a fact about your kid, how you intimately know what they love, hate, how they grew into the world. I want to talk about how Sean picked up lacrosse as a new sport in his senior year, not as some momentous thing but as an example of my quirky, energetic son who wanted to try everything in life. I don’t want them to be forgotten but I don’t want them to be just memories. I know that makes no sense to those who have not lived my reality.

I hate when people become so silent if I talk about my boys like other people discuss their children. I just want it to be a normal conversation, a mom talking about her kid, maybe something good, or annoying or funny. Normal parent. Normal kids. Untinged by tragedy and not overlaid by sadness.

I want to be forgiven for going on, smiling, laughing, being genuinely happy even with these monumental losses that tore my heart out last year. I don’t want to feel judged for continuing on, for wanting to live all the life my boys could not, did not.

Holidays Bring up Memories

And I wrote it all down. I didn’t stop to think about whether it fit together. I pulled up all the corners of my life and included everything. The parts people had told me I should write. And all the parts no one knew before. I wrote it all down.

This morning we watched videos of our life when all my kids were little. It was impromptu. My daughter asked to go through these. We laughed. And felt. It was very poignant. And it confirmed to me I was there for each moment. And it depicted their father at times, sour, sour, ugly. The quintessential party pooper. And I asked them to note how all the videos of us laughing, being silly, goofing around were taken before 5:00, the time when the rain cloud I was married to returned home from whatever it was he called work at that time. I loved seeing my beautiful babies. Each one with so much individual personality and altogether a perfect masterpiece of family .

My mom was in the videos as well as my sister. So much loss. Four from my immediate family gone since those videos from within 10 years ago. With thanksgiving coming and now just a few days past my mom’s birthday, I think about all those big thanksgivings I hosted in my Denver home, my family and friends from near and far. My parents would come even before my mom moved to Denver. My mom who loved to cook and bake would be planning our menu for months. I could count on her to make all of our baked goods and every one, cakes, cookies, pies, rolls, would be a hit with all our guests. She was very beloved for her creations.

We also had family friends from my childhood who would come up from Texas. That lady is gone now too. But we had so many memories. My life is very different now, my three surging children, teens now, splitting their time between my house and their dad’s. This year they’ll be with him thanksgiving day and Christmas Eve and I am left with my memories of my life when my children were little, their joy, love, wonder, innocence, delight.