I have had all kinds of experiences in life, a representation of the major life experiences people face. And I have experienced all kinds of holidays. While married, those with my husband who would always become pouty and grumpy without reason, although I have come to learn more about that since as I study narcissists. Holidays with my heart ripped out the first time my children spent their holiday with their father. Watching them sit in our church from the back while they sat in a pew with their father and his girlfriend. And now, 7 years post divorce, happily resigned to my holiday alone. That might seem scary to some but I have come to enjoy a holiday that has no obligations and a blank template on which I can write my own story. Today my kids ended up being in and out and I was delighted to be able to spend time with them when I thought they would be at their father’s all day. I also got to nurse my daughter who was sick. But I also volunteered at our local turkey trot, washed and vacuumed my car (I was surprised to find them open while out driving) and am headed out to dinner for 1 at a posh local jazz bar restaurant.
Honesty in Loss
Of course I cannot speak for everyone who’s lost someone but as we enter the holiday season I am confronted with the reality that this time last year my son was living and breathing and the year before both of my sons were on this earth with us.
I want people to know without having to tell them, that I have 5 children not only 3. But I don’t want to have to confront the awkward conversation that is, as one author describes, rushing forward to lessen the other person’s awkwardness at confronting my grief, my reality.
I want to be able to discuss my boys like other people talk about their children, not just as hallowed people who are no longer with us, like translucent papery ghosts. I want to say Quinn loved angel food cake, not in a weepy remembering way but just as a fact about your kid, how you intimately know what they love, hate, how they grew into the world. I want to talk about how Sean picked up lacrosse as a new sport in his senior year, not as some momentous thing but as an example of my quirky, energetic son who wanted to try everything in life. I don’t want them to be forgotten but I don’t want them to be just memories. I know that makes no sense to those who have not lived my reality.
I hate when people become so silent if I talk about my boys like other people discuss their children. I just want it to be a normal conversation, a mom talking about her kid, maybe something good, or annoying or funny. Normal parent. Normal kids. Untinged by tragedy and not overlaid by sadness.
I want to be forgiven for going on, smiling, laughing, being genuinely happy even with these monumental losses that tore my heart out last year. I don’t want to feel judged for continuing on, for wanting to live all the life my boys could not, did not.
Holidays Bring up Memories
And I wrote it all down. I didn’t stop to think about whether it fit together. I pulled up all the corners of my life and included everything. The parts people had told me I should write. And all the parts no one knew before. I wrote it all down.
This morning we watched videos of our life when all my kids were little. It was impromptu. My daughter asked to go through these. We laughed. And felt. It was very poignant. And it confirmed to me I was there for each moment. And it depicted their father at times, sour, sour, ugly. The quintessential party pooper. And I asked them to note how all the videos of us laughing, being silly, goofing around were taken before 5:00, the time when the rain cloud I was married to returned home from whatever it was he called work at that time. I loved seeing my beautiful babies. Each one with so much individual personality and altogether a perfect masterpiece of family .
My mom was in the videos as well as my sister. So much loss. Four from my immediate family gone since those videos from within 10 years ago. With thanksgiving coming and now just a few days past my mom’s birthday, I think about all those big thanksgivings I hosted in my Denver home, my family and friends from near and far. My parents would come even before my mom moved to Denver. My mom who loved to cook and bake would be planning our menu for months. I could count on her to make all of our baked goods and every one, cakes, cookies, pies, rolls, would be a hit with all our guests. She was very beloved for her creations.
We also had family friends from my childhood who would come up from Texas. That lady is gone now too. But we had so many memories. My life is very different now, my three surging children, teens now, splitting their time between my house and their dad’s. This year they’ll be with him thanksgiving day and Christmas Eve and I am left with my memories of my life when my children were little, their joy, love, wonder, innocence, delight.
Holiday Loss
When you lose someone the loss can be accentuated on the holidays. Today it is Halloween. In the morning I was at the middle school where I have volunteered for 10 years. It was the first school my oldest son entered after being homeschooled through elementary. I wanted to keep a casual eye so I started volunteering and I have never left. Mostly I have served on the PTO board. This is my last year. So it is bittersweet and I am trying to give it my all. Last weekend I manned the haunted house dressed as a witch. Today I was “selling” my wares from our positive behavior cart where the kids can buy cute little erasers, pencils, and of course football themed pencil toppers. I love to observe the kids. But whenever I am at the school my boys’ ghosts are there as well. I feel their memory and presence.
I have also been reflecting on a halloween two years past when my second son and I watched a movie. My youngest went trick or treating with friends. My oldest was with his girlfriend. It became dark and I was concerned about my youngest and then in she walked along with my oldest and his girlfriend. It was a relief but also confusing because I thought they had brought her home but actually it was just coincidence. This girlfriend of my son’s who we all adored. She got him to do things he would never do such as dress in costume for Halloween. He did like to wear scary shirts like his Freddy Kreuger one but he hadn’t dressed in an actual costume in years. And here he was dressed as Winnie the Poo with his girlfriend Tigger. So cute. So surprising. So bittersweet to recall now that he is gone 20 months.
A Comparative Analysis of the Law of Two States
This morning I had the luxury of time and picked up two of my neglected periodicals, the Colorado Lawyer and The Florida Bar Journal. Reading through these side by side, which I rarely do, was an instructive experience that highlighted the difference between my two states of bar licensure.
One difference between the states is that in Colorado attorneys are regulated by the court system, the Colorado Supreme Court. Being a part of the Colorado Bar Association is voluntary. In Florida you are obligated as a licensed bar member to be a member of The Florida Bar. Part of the journals is a section that covers attorneys who have been disciplined. As a self regulating organization nationwide, the idea is to impose some element of public humiliation as a disincentive to other attorneys to act badly toward their clients, the judiciary and sometimes (but less often) the general public. Acts that regularly receive discipline are inappropriate acts regarding client funds, failing in an extreme way to communicate with clients, and swearing at judges. So the Colorado cases look more like criminal cases, People v. Joe Smith, by way of made-up example. In Florida it is the Bar Association, not the state that is imposing discipline. Both can have the same ultimate outcome of course, which in the most extreme cases is loss of your bar license.
Another difference I note between the two publications is that the Florida one focuses solely on the law, new U.S. Supreme Court decisions, new Florida laws, and analysis of both. The Colorado one contains this as well but contains many other interesting articles about the practice or business of law and innovations there, historical case highlights, and changes in the way justice is being made more accessible. It is thus generally a more interesting and entertaining read. It also underscores the difference I have seen between the way the law is taught in each state. I attended law school (a long time ago now) in Colorado and the focus was very much theoretical, looking to what the law could or should be, very progressive in nature. From my understanding from my law school interns in Florida where I also practice, law school is oriented toward teaching what the law is, and very state specific, and aimed at Bar passage. Much like our public schools are uber focused on performance on standardized state tests, Florida law schools (but my sample includes one main local school) seem to focus on making sure their students can pass Florida’s bear of a Bar exam.
Now, looking at the law more specifically, I have observed that Colorado includes more uniform standards, whereas Florida relies on its own statutes and the case law that draws the real life examples of how the statutes play out in practical terms. Florida is also broken up into several circuits which are always making conflicting decisions that ultimately go up to the Supreme Court, Florida’s and at times the U.S.
Colorado’s judicial system is more simplified and follows a more common sense model. In general Colorado law, substantive and procedurally, follows the federal system more closely. For example, court cases are governed by procedural rules that reflect the federal rules. They are concise and strictly applied. For example, motions follow a schedule. You respond with a brief within a certain number of days. In Florida, you can choose not to respond. You can choose to request a hearing. There is no standard path that is followed for each motion.
Colorado has adopted both the Uniform Dissolution of Marriage Act and the Uniform Trust Code, which provide more regularity in these wide reaching areas of law.
When you read Colorado cases you are going to learn about elements such as mountain boundary disputes, neighboring ranches fighting over water rights, and mining rights. In the federal court cases you get a lot of big criminal cases because Denver has the federal court for the less populated surrounding states.
In Florida many cases revolve around the condo laws and high net worth divorce or probate/trust.
There is no better or lesser but only difference, just like the two states offer the opposite of the best of both worlds, sunny weather and beaches and sunny weather and mountains. I love both and am privileged to be able to have a presence in each.
On Scary
This morning I saw the highschoolers going into school. It must be spirit week because many of them had Halloween themed pajama bottoms or t shirts. My son used to have a Freddy Krueger one.
Tis the season. On Saturday I worked the haunted house at the middle school. Last night my friends and I attended a costume wine walk.
Scaring the kids in the haunted house dressed as a witch got me thinking…what is “scary”, this term we so associate with this time of year?
In the haunted house I observed that certain kids were more likely to “scare” while others remained impervious. It seemed that the “scare” factor was induced by startling them, if one of us actors jumped out at them from our hiding spots.
However, scary can also relate to something gory, gross or spooky/erie.
The Webster’s definition is “causing fright, alarming” so this fits.
So actually “startle” seems more appropriate. We become scared because an event startles us. It is a sense of shock.
It must be our lust for an adrenaline rush that entices us to seek out opportunities to experience this startled sense…haunted houses, corn mazes, even amusement park rides.
I guess in our English language or perhaps all language the more words we have to describe our human experience the better.
On Loss … Again
When you have picky kids, and you lose one of them, one of the memories that you are terrified of forgetting is the particular way that they preferred the various dishes that you cook as a regular course for your family for example, today I was preparing chili and thinking about how my one son who was lost last year preferred no toppings and my other one who was also last last year preferred all of the toppings it’s a funny thing a thing that you take for granted when they are here just something you remember as a mom and then something you fight very hard to hold onto once they’re gone.
On Camp
This is an accolade to camp. As a child I attended summer camps for one or two weeks or a few days at a time over the summer, sometimes a few different camps during a summer break. Never for the entire summer as some kids especially in the east do. It was mostly a lovely experience, a part of a childhood where my parents sought to provide me with many varied experiences in life. Not extremely elaborate, but well rounded. Ballet, violin and piano lessons, little weekend family trips around our state, things like that. My dad was a pilot so there was also the opportunity to fly in little planes. We never had our own but he would take me up frequently and give me lessons.
My kids attended Young Life camp in Florida where we live. My girl loved it. It’s hard to tell if the boys did but they did receive fierce sunburns so at least they were out enjoying the water. That much we know.
In 2024 my daughter asked to go to camp. We had lost her brother in February and it was her request to go to a camp where no one knew her. I think our whole family was feeling a bit under the microscope in our small town where everyone seemed to know about our experience and we could not escape the well intentioned pitying gazes.
So as I do when my kids ask me for something that I feel will be positive for them, I being to search my rolodex brain. I landed on a camp that one of my highschool friends had worked at and were I had visited her once when camp was out of session. It is in Michigan where I grew up. The one where I visited her is apparently is the boys’ camp. However both the girls’ and boys’ are located on idyllic northern Michigan lakes. Think Trumpet of the Swan setting (although I believe that was Canada). So I searched the internet and found it. I inquired and signed her up for a two week session. We all flew up to Michigan and dropped her off. Now one of the beautiful things about this camp, which by the way is Hayo-Went-Ha, is that the campers are without phones or other techy devices for the entire session. They can write letters the old fashioned way and the parents can write letters as well. So…after dropping her my other kids and I and my dad went to stay at a nearby Airbnb for the time my daughter would be in camp. I thought she is either going to love this or hate this. There is no in between. I sat with bated breath until her first letter arrived. Mom, I LOVE it here. I have so many friends. We have a lake we jump in first thing in the morning. We are going on a 4 day canoe trip. I was so relieved. But I thought is this really my daughter, who sits in front of her mirror every morning before school doing her makeup for an hour, who spends four hours putting on and elaborately decorating her nails?
The two week session included the 4 day canoe trip in the upper peninsula of Michigan. This involves hiking while hoisting the canoes over hilly areas. This turned out to be a life changing experience for my daughter. After I picked her up she cried that night in culture shock with having her phone back and also missing her friends.
Not surprisingly she wanted to return the following summer (this past one). She talked her sister into it but her experience was opposite. Each child is an individual! In any event, my older daughter loved her second year at camp even more. This time she was there a month and this included 2 weeks canoeing and portaging in Ontario. We are talking super roughing it. No showers, wilderness campsites, even a medical evacuation of one of the campers (who turned out to be ok), eating packaged meals that you add water to. The whole shebang. She swam in beautiful freezing crystal clear lakes. She got eaten alive with mosquitoes. She laughed. She cried. She pushed herself. Now I didn’t mention that in December of 2024 we had lost another of her brothers to suicide. So this camp session and wilderness trip for my daughter was life saving. Honestly. It was what she needed to cope, to grieve, to distract, to escape, to feel alive, to move forward.
So guess what? I just signed her up for a third year and this is going to be the coup de grace. The campers at her age go to Alaska for 3 weeks for kayaking and hiking. It is going to be an amazing experience and I am so glad the other years have prepared her. I have never done anything like what she has done and I know it is making her so strong, so confident.
And that is my raving review on camp and this on in particular. It is not cheap but in terms of what you are going to spend your money on toward your kids (and you know you are going to spend a lot!) it is so well worth it!
Book Report
I am listening to a Reese Witherspoon book, Broken Country by Clare Leslie Hall. I just happened upon it because it was well rated. I have been surprised and delighted by how much it resonates with me.
As a mom who lost two of my children in one year I really identify with the loss the main character is experiencing and expressing over the loss of her young son.
At one point she describes how it feels to share this shocking news with a stranger. The description (paraphrased) is perfect: stumbling to help comfort them as they confront the awkwardness of your grief.
Later she laments how the townspeople don’t want to talk about her son and it feels like everyone wants to forget or as if he never existed.
One of my sons was a high school senior when he died. His fellow students were wonderful about reaching out and still keep in touch and we share in a very real way. The school was another story. They did everything to see it his tragic death by suicide under the rug, refusing (and finally relenting the following year) to grant him a posthumous diploma, forbidding he be referenced or acknowledged openly at graduation, refusing to allow me to purchase a plaque with his name (on a wall where such plaques are displayed), and refusing to allow a nonprofit to sponsor an athletic event aimed at mental health awareness.
I often discuss my sons in passing. Just like I talk about my living children I will say, oh, Q really liked to play video games or SK loved to dribble his basketball. I feel those around me clam up because I think they are not sure if I am crazy or just not sure in general. But I don’t want to forget them. It terrifies me to think they may be erased from memory and existence.
I think you will enjoy this book and if you’ve experienced a loss especially as a mom I think you will find it particularly insightful and healing in the way that someone who gets you can provide.
On Loss
It is so hard always having to ignore or pretend that I have only 3 children when I have….had? 5. The questions from people about my children are dreaded and embarrassing. Sometimes I answer vaguely, dishonestly. Not wanting to admit my two oldest children are not here on earth anymore. Sometimes I just say they are older, not at home anymore, leave the listener to surmise they are away at college somewhere. How do you interject that into the everyday banter? I think of the words, paraphrased, of a book I am reading where a character has experienced similar loss. You dread, you expect, you anticipate, to rush to fill in the void that involves comforting the recipient of the information, covering over the awkwardness of the depth of your grief as they are at a loss for words.
Notes From Real Life 