Quite honestly, when I begin writing my Mental Health awareness posts, I knew there would be three and stated this. Parts I and II came easily. But I struggled a bit with Part III. That is why it took me this long to post. I really wanted it to be encouraging not depressing. And finally I believe it has been revealed.
There is a book I used to read to my children when they were little. It’s called We’re Going on a Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury. The mantra throughout the repetitive structure is: “We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh, no! We’ve got to go through it!” And I think of this often with regard to living in the wake of my family members’ suicides. And it applies as well to many of our challenging situations in life. It is the thing everyone needs to know. Sometimes there is simply no easy solution. Life can be crappy. Really crappy. I’ve experienced many of the common crappy experiences that affect our human society. You know of my experience with the death of family members. By the way, my sister’s death occurred between my two boys’ if I did not mention that previously. She was 46 and died in hospice due to liver failure. I’ve also experienced the financial difficulties that can affect single mom providers and business owners.
I’ve been sued. I’ve lost money in business. I’ve woken up feeling the panic and oppression of debt. Each instance was super stressful. Everyone has such experiences. And every time life presses us down all we can do is make our way through, step by slogging step.
Don’t get me wrong. The loss of my two boys dealt what I thought was a death blow to my lifelong Christian faith (Catholic for the 9 years prior to their passing). I am only just now starting to allow myself to be open to the idea of a caring God again, which was for so long a foreign concept to me in the wake of my overwhelming grief.
I met with my priest earlier this week and he prescribed a book for me, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. I have only just started but the priest believes it will help and I have to trust him because I don’t know what to do but accept the help that comes my way in whatever way it comes. I cannot be choosy. I have since the passing of my first boy taken any advice, any suggestions that are offered because I have felt that nothing can hurt. In the beginning many people offered the Bible, or verses of it or other faith based commentary, as well as other books that I politely thanked them for and then put away because I was in a faith crisis. I think many people thought that I maybe hadn’t had a strong enough faith but the fact is I was a practicing Christian all my life, doing all the things one is “supposed to,” and had sought to raise my children in the faith as well, reading them bible stories, blessing them at night, praying ceaselessly for them. And then one died. Inexplicably. And then 10 months later another one was lost, even more inexplicably. And I was lost along with them. I questioned my once deep, strong faith. It was shaken to the core. How could I continue to believe in a God who is said to care and who is supposed to answer us when we call, and most importantly, is said to protect our children when we ask? And yet he had ignored my nightly prayer, my daily repetitive mantra to watch over my children, to protect their once tiny, then more grown, minds, bodies, spirits, souls. I felt he had completely abandoned me. How do you go on in faith after that kind of a blow, that kind of a perceived betrayal by a God who in the Christian Bible is likened to a father. What kind of father refuses to answer such a pure prayer? That has been my struggle, but I am trying one step at a time to dig out, to trusts blindly beyond what my reason can do. We will see how that ends.
So, today, what I want to say is, in answer to my own question, which is “What do you do when everything makes you sad? Cooking because you remember the meals you cooked for your loved one….going to the school because you remember your happy senior about to graduate…eating because your table was once full of happy, laughing children…watching a movie because you last watched it with your lost loved one… reading because it is a book that was on your loved one’s to read list and he never got to read it… working because it is where you were when your loved one died even though you didn’t know it yet…. going to church because you had to plan two funerals in one year….and I could go on. There is only one thing you can do. You can’t go over it. You can’t go under it. You cannot escape it. You must go through it. But you can slowly begin to trust and hope and maybe even pray a little. And maybe just maybe there is a God who will hear. You can look at one thing of beauty in nature like a flower or a beautiful sunset and you can find focused enjoyment. You can accept the hug of a friend or family member. You can help those who need someone in their life. You can just put one foot in front of the other and get good sleep and eat good food and breathe good air and try to open your heart to love even when it brings pain. You can just go on, one tiny step at a time.
Notes From Real Life 