Likely you are reading this because you are possibly experiencing it. I’m not sure who would research the subject otherwise. In fact, I certainly did not know of this situation before experiencing it. It might be something you think occurs in extremely dysfunctional families, those other people…until it h happens to you.
Child estrangement, sometimes referred to as parental alienation, is more common where the parents have divorced. This creates a perfect petri dish for when a child reaches the teen years and becomes disgruntled with the boundaries one parent establishes (curfew, rules about driving immediately after obtaining a driver’s license, being home for family dinner a certain number of times per week, saving money for college, contributing to car expenses, going to church, you name it) because with two separate residences it is easy to decide to “run away” to the other parent’s, at least if that parent permits it. Where there is healthy co-parenting this may not occur because the parent would encourage a healthy relationship with the other parent and there would likely be more consistent rules between the households. But let’s face it, in many situations, the parents have divorced because they didn’t exactly see eye to eye. Many times the division that existed in the marriage can deepen once the couple are separated or divorced. It can also occur more frequently when the parents still reside near one another because the change for the child who decides upon one home over the other as their “permanent” residence has little impact. They are still near their friends and their school. This is why this may be less likely to occur where one parent has moved to another city or state. Despite any differences the child may have with the parent who they live with when they attend school, the difficulties they would encounter in leaving their friends and school outweighs the perceived burden of the parent’s rules.
While the notion that the mental health community purports that as long as children have stability and the parents never speak ill of the other, children will not suffer from divorce may be true, the hard truth is that people who could not stay married because they did not agree on many things are unlikely to all of a sudden align on parenting and be able to present a neutral or positive face to their children with regard to the other parent. In the most egregious scenario, imagine you divorce an abusive person (whether physically, sexually, psychologically, financially – these cannot be equated or compared but just take any that resonates as an example here). Are you going to be able to speak favorably about this person to your child if he or she is spending parenting time with this other person? No, you are going to be concerned about your child in this person’s sphere of influence and physical care. You are going to want to point out the traits that do not align with general moral principles. You are going to do everything to ensure your child’s safety and also to make sure he or she does not follow in the path of that parent to become like him or her. That is an extreme example but it exists for many people who still have to share equal parenting.
I’m going to take an unpopular position here and say that I for one am not going to be persuaded to falsely prop up a person who I believe is acting wrongly, parenting badly. Some say, oh, the child will see this. Well, maybe, but it might be too late by then. Just like I would use as a teaching example someone making a bad choice and using drugs and ruining their life, so too would I point out that a parent who provides no supervision or no financial support is not acting like a responsible grown-up. Obviously, this must be age-appropriate. But once our children are becoming young adults and developing their own sense of what it looks like to be an adult, a parent someday, don’t you want them to see what the ideal is rather than believe that their might just be two different but equally as good ways of parenting?
In my experience the estrangement began in the teen years early in highschool. As I provided reasonable oversight of academic performance and other activities, a reasonable curfew, and questioned when actions didn’t seem to align with the goals of future success, the other parent stood ready to coddle any complaints about mom, which were then reframed to the child in a way that placed us on equal footing rather than a supervisory/authoritative role, describing it to the child as a difficult relationship (as you would in a friendship), and ready and wiling to bribe the child with anything from a bigger room, more freedom, a car, or other “goodies” to beckon them to live with them full-time. In my experience, as soon as this occurred, the lack of supervision and excessive freedom resulted in a substance abuse problem that was hidden from me since I rarely saw my child after he left to live with the other parent.
What about the court-ordered parenting schedule, you might ask as someone new to this experience. Forget about it. With a “wayward” teenager the only recourse you have is to have them picked up by the police and returned to you. Do you think this will help repair the relationship? Unlikely. In fact, this would have the effect of turning them further toward the other parent. So what Can you do?
Well, the popular advice is to take a hands off approach and let the child be. Don’t force. Suck it up. Keep supporting them. This can feel extremely unfair especially if you have been the main source of support and yet the one being rejected when the child is choosing the other parent over you.
You may be in dismay, thinking, okay, kid, a few years back, when you were so distraught in middle school and told me you would kill yourself if you had to return to that school another year, I went out of my way to find an online alternative to get you through middle school, against the other parent’s active opposition. I supported your mental health journey, helping you find a therapist and medical support when the other parent was outright opposed to any counseling let alone medicine. I single handedly financially supported your expensive support, not just the practices but the weekends away. I sent you to a camp you requested that cost umpteen dollars. I bought you a vehicle. In short, it can feel like complete and utter betrayal. It can make you MAD. And this is reasonable.
So, what would I recommend in retrospect? I guess a middle ground? I think it’s important for your child to know you have supported them, that you have certain expectations of them, that you are there for them. But forcing or bribing them to come back home is probably not going to work so you are going to have to sit on your hands, vent to others, and wait it out. Prayer also helps. Mediation, And focusing on yourself and your work in the meantime can help to fill the void you are likely feeling. It is also normal to experience a range of emotions because this a loss. It is a grief.
The hard fact is our children as teens are a few years away from becoming independent adults and the goal has always been for them to be fully functional away from us. So the best we can do is support this and demonstrate what a responsible, successful adult life looks like.
If you are experiencing this, my heart is with you. I pray for you and support you. You are not alone. Hugs to you and may it all be just a short phase and turn out ok. May your relationship with your child be stronger on the other side of this challenge.
