I have been seeing a lot that suicide prevention is for year round not just one month of the year. Having lost two sons to suicide, I subscribe to this. Alongside this, I think about child-parent alienation and how it can be a factor in suicide. There is no evidence that it is a direct cause but it certainly plays a role, whether suicide by the parent or the child. Having experienced both of these unfortunate occurrences, I want to create space for those who may be experiencing the same, or who have experienced either in the past. If you have not, I hope you will still find this perspective helpful.
Parent-child alienation typically appears in the wake of a particularly high conflict divorce. However, it could certainly occur within a dysfunctional marriage. I am not a mental health professional. I write from my own personal experiences.
Sometimes when we are going through something it can feel isolating. We might experience embarrassment that exacerbates this, as we believe we may be alone in our experience. Fortunately, one of the bright sides of social media is that the accessibility to information has increased so we can more easily learn from the privacy of our home that there are others out there even if not in our immediate sphere who have like experiences. And fortunately it is that which allows me to share the following with you.
So very simply I wanted to share what parent-child alienation can look like, but there are many more possibilities and it is a wide category into which your individual situation can fit. These are just examples from my own personal experience and to help others who may be sharing similar life experiences.
It can look like one parent showing adult conversations among the parents to the child and using these to sour the child’s perception of the other parent (for instance if the parent writing to the co-parent was advising about the child’s school performance or behavior, seeking a joint solution).
It can look like one parent placating to the whims of a teenager to the detriment of his or her relationship with the other parent.
It can look like hiding substance abuse or other dangerous behavior from the other parent.
It can look like dangling incentives in front of a child to entice him or her to spend more time at the other parent’s house or to prefer that parent. For teens the purchase of a car is the number one incentive provided, whereby the child now has freedom from parental constraints as well as the ability to come and go freely rather than spend time equally with each parent. Of course receiving one’s own car is a privileged right of passage for teenagers but parents need to be cautious to discuss this together first and not allow it to become one parent providing it for the wrong reasons.
It can look like twisting the narrative and rearranging facts to support the alienating parent’s aimed storyline and position.
Sometimes alienation can occur alongside narcissistic abuse but again, I am not a mental health professional. It can certainly occur in any dysfunctional co-parenting situation.
The bottom line is that it should be avoided. But of course you can only control your own actions, you cannot control the other parent’s. What you can do is continue to show love to your child, stay calm, resist the urge to beg your child to spend more time with you or enter a competition over material provisions. Most of all, exercise patience, because hopefully the storm will pass over, pray and focus on keeping yourself healthy and happy.
