Why I Chose to Seek an Annulment

Some of you have probably heard of an annulment but most will have no real understanding of the term.

The Webster’s/Wikipedia definition of annulment is basically (paraphrasing) a determination that a marriage was void from the beginning. This of course differs from the legal act of a divorce which terminates the marriage but allows that it existed. And then there are those who separate or remain in divorce limbo for years…but I don’t want to digress.

My divorce was final almost exactly four years ago. I am Catholic and my faith has a procedure for annulment. As I began to look into it and learn, I realized I needed to follow this path as well.

At first I was concerned that it would affect my five children from the marriage. If the marriage never existed, wouldn’t that call into question their validity and existence? (Not legally, but in the realm where annulment exists.)

The US Confederation of Catholic Bishops explains the process and its meaning as follows: “What is often referred to as a ‘marriage annulment’ in the Church is actually a declaration by a Church tribunal (a Catholic Church court) that a marriage thought to be valid according to Church law actually fell short of at least one of the essential elements required for a binding union.”

For those who really want to understand Catholic doctrine, these are:

  1. the spouses are free to marry;
  2. they are capable of giving their consent to marry;
  3. they freely exchange their consent;
  4. in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another and be open to having and raising children;
  5. they intend the good of each other; and
  6. their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized Church minister.

The process is long and entailed but guided by a priest and very confidential. Each party has the chance to answer very detailed questions about the marriage. (Unfortunately so do friends, family and sometimes mental health professionals who you name as having information concerning the marriage. It is to say the least an extremely thorough process.

This differs from a legal annulment (recognized in some states), which can be based on factors such as:

  • One person already being legally married
  • Fraud (one person lied to the other person so they would consent to marriage)
  • Duress (one person agreed to the marriage after being threatened)
  • Incompetence (at least one person was not legally competent to agree to be married, such as mental illness or physical disability)
  • Bigamy (parties are first cousins or nearer relations)
  • Being underage without parental consent (17 and younger)

Originally I thought of seeking the nullity as a way of encouraging my children’s father (my former spouse) and his girlfriend to marry because I felt/feel that their living together without that in full view of my children contrasts with our Catholic faith (of which they also both subscribe).

As I entered into the process I found it was also a way to reflect upon the marriage in a deeper way than the legal divorce process allows for. It also provided, or I feel will, when granted, final closure on a chapter of my life that requires it.

When I left my marriage I was running from a bus headed over the cliff. My husband at the time had left his well paying job with great benefits, moved our family of 7 into a 3 bedroom apartment, leaving finances and tensions to be strung as tightly as a well tuned violin, which we were not. There was not a lot of time to assess. Just as the flight attendant directs you to do if you need to escape a downed plane, I basically left everything behind. As I begin to experience freedom and independence for the first time in my adult life I begin to reflect on aspects of the marriage and my partner that I never saw. I begin to read a lot on the matter and to understand our challenges in a new light and context. I begin to see that not everything had been my fault. I begin to forgive myself and to try to pass on a sense of self awareness to my children.

Annulment for me was, is, necessary for me to leave the marriage fully, to confirm that the marriage as I understood it, hoped for it to be, the life I tried to build for my children, wanted some badly and fought so hard for, was never possible, never existed. It was smoke, a mirage, the vapor over a grassy field in the morning light.

It allowed me to refocus my intentions and efforts on exemplifying a life to my children that takes the raw material of life, lessons, experience, wisdom, and forms it into a new life of meaning, beauty and purpose.

Never Ending Saga

Today we are going to find out if in Florida someone can effectively steal your children, have you threatened in the public right of way, stalk and harass you, act as conduit for hidden marital assets and not only get away with it but charge their victim for the pleasure. Stay tuned.

Lawyers: Love ‘Em or Hate ‘Em

On my mind today is a curiosity. As a solo practitioner with a focus on boutique estate planning I have to say 99% of my clients are amazing! I visit them in their homes where they serve me coffee & homemade banana bread or key lime pie. They come to my home office where we have seltzer. 😅

But that 1%…most don’t even make it to client status because I have gotten pretty good at intuiting who will be pleasant to work with. And one of the benefits of running your own shop is choosing who you want in your “sandbox” as my friend refers to it.

I am not sure why these folks feel they can expect free service from an attorney. It is unlikely they would visit their doctor or done in a restaurant or shop at the grocery and expect for it all to be zero cost. But somehow when it comes to a lawyer’s specialized services built on years of experience they expect something for nothing, balking at fees that have been presented up front and trying to argue that it really didn’t take that long or they could have done it themselves.

Is it because I am a female? Because I have my own firm? Because I do not keep office space and work on a mobile, virtual basis? Because I seem nice? …???

This is in sharp contrast to my other clients who ask to pay up front when I typically bill once the work is complete and thank me profusely.

The goal of my practice is to seek out those positive thinking, grateful clients who appreciate the hard work, attention to detail and professionalism I bring to the table, whether it is theirs or mine. And to all of them whom I’ve had the honor of serving, I am so grateful for YOU.

On Death 🪦💀

My kids call me a “death attorney” without even a trace of sarcasm. And it is true we have seen a lot of death lately. As an estate planning attorney it sometimes falls to me to be with my clients during their last days, hours, even at their bedside at their last breath. Some have no one else. As for my kids, we have a lot of pets and they have experienced loss there, a beloved old Tom cat we actually inherited from one of my clients, a hamster, a goldfish won at the fair and to which my daughter became quickly attracted over just a few short days he was with us, (I am not ashamed to admit that I actually attempted to cover this one up by substituting Bubbles with Bubbles II but my daughter was too shrewd and would not be fooled.)

I saw this quote and I find it a good one. When you see a lot of death, especially of people who are your age, it brings home the reality of your mortality. We will all cross that bridge into the unknown. Maybe having lived long, maybe not. Maybe surrounded by loved ones. Maybe alone. Maybe peacefully. Maybe painfully. Maybe knowing, expecting. Maybe by surprise.

I am chilled when I think about those who pass that way stout in their belief that there is nothing beyond. Even without tangible visible proof I choose to believe in the after life, which is some open and flexible version of my Christian teachings and the less formalized, spiritual possibility of reincarnation. I believe in physics and that matter in whatever form whether body or soul does not just disappear.

Does seeing death regularly make it more palatable? Probably not. But it does highlight the importance of making sure it is a life well lived. This probably means different things to different people. To me it means sharing love, shining my light, spreading happiness, whether to my children, clients or friends.

Every Mom’s Nightmare

My good friend is suffering. I have been on this journey with her, especially since we live next door and have similar age kids in the same school. It has been heartbreaking to see her go from vibrant yoga studio owner to very very sick. Please help if you are inclined, whether by donating or praying.🙏🏻💫

https://gofund.me/ac0f603d

Sticks & Stones

I love to listen to The Message version of The Holy Bible app first thing in the morning. I know my Mom would not approve because to her the only true Word of God was the King James, but even though I have read the Bible several times through I still gain so many new insights by listening to this version:

“A student doesn’t get a better desk than her teacher. A laborer doesn’t make more money than his boss. Be content—pleased, even—when you, my students, my harvest hands, get the same treatment I get. If they call me, the Master, ‘Dungface,’ what can the workers expect?”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭10:24-25‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Today I was listening to Matthew and realized where our “sticks and stones” reference comes from, maybe most people already know this and maybe I did at one point also but it was highlighted freshly today as I listened. Check it out! As true today as then…whatever mean things people say about us, however they try to paint us in society, however they criticize, they cannot touch our souls which belong to Jesus. Words can never hurt me, meaning they cannot affect me at that deepest core of who I am. On the surface, sure. Have teenagers? They can say some pretty hurtful things. So can friends, (with friends like that…), colleagues, anyone jostling you for a place in business or society, Christian or otherwise, but words can never hurt you, never move you from your eternal place with Christ Jesus.

Teenagers

My teenager: “Stop texting me. You know how I feel about you and how you treated me. If you want another chance it’s too late”

Me…was it the trip to Universal over NYE, fast pass & all you can eat…?

Was it taking time to homeschool you until you were in 6th grade when you entered with honors?

Feeding you good food?

Meeting with you & your school counselor over & over when you had a rough freshman year?

Taking you to church?

Taking you out to eat?

Making the foods you like?

Making sure you always have what you need?

Helping you find a job?

Teaching you to drive & helping you get your permit?

Welcoming your friends into our home?

Being involved in your school?

…

Total dismay

Unfortunately, a narcissistic parent will weaponize the teenager against the other parent and use them to continue the abuse they cannot enact against you directly as they once could.

Girls Trip! ✈️⛷🗻

When your girl picks skiing for her girls weekend with mom you can’t say no to returning “home” to Colorado to see friends. 😊When you’ve only got one ski day over the long weekend to make up for 6 years you’ve got to get right back in.⛷

Great to be back on the slopes after a number of years. Funny how a 10 degree day can feel warm when you’re bundled up and working hard. But the shady side of the mountain on the way down is chilly.

My daughter noted how people in Colorado are nicer than those in Florida. Of course we can’t make generalizations but Colorado had some great people. Of course why wouldn’t you be happy when you are up in God’s country on a beautiful day? I talked to everyone on the ski lifts, being a “single” as I was (which is pleasant because you can pick which runs to do unanimously!) and everyone was mild to extra friendly. Except the people who said they were using all 8 chairs at Aires ski while I enjoyed a drink waiting for my daughter to finish ski lessons. 🙄

I put her in ski lessons her first day because I don’t want her to have the same trauma I experienced learning to ski by being thrown in. I have a Great dad but my first day skiing he took me up the chair lift (not the bunny hill) on a rainy icy day and the snow didn’t reach my feet when I got to the top & I had to jump. I know it’s not that far but it still left a scary impression. And I wanted my girl to have a better first experience.

So many young families hustling their littles to lessons, lugging gear and some dogs. It makes me nostalgic, envious even. My husband never wanted our children in these lessons because of the expense. I was fearful they had missed out. But my girl learned so fast & is confident about her future progress so I am somewhat assuaged.

No matter how many beautiful people and families, a beautiful mountain day is not exempt from trouble. On my mid morning Bloody Mary break I observed a couple fighting. He was apparently pushing her to ski beyond her comfort level. In a lift line I encountered a similar upset, wherein the man stated “you didn’t know you didn’t like that run until you got into trouble on it so just don’t run into trouble thus time.” I had so many similar experiences skiing with my ex through the years. Maybe it pushed me to be a better skier but sometimes I was terrified. Skiing today by myself I only went where I wanted and it was freeing.

The view from Lunch Rock, Mary Jane

In short, I was vindicated and relieved all at the same time. After years of being concerned my kids has missed out on early lessons in skiing, tennis, golf, horseback riding, hockey…now I know that there is still hope for them to enjoy these sports at least on a recreational level anytime they choose, with just a little professional training or maybe just some practice. 🤗🙏🏻

Kids

Sometimes my kids drive me crazy. They interrupt my thoughts. They always need something. They resist my directions as I try to move our family forward in orderly direction. They request food and do not eat it. I buy them clothes and they do not wear them. And sometimes it is annoying when people speak so glowingly of their children and families as if none of these realities is theirs. But I Love Love Love my kids. And when you lose one to parental alienation as I have my oldest it makes you so so grateful to be in their presence and meet their needs and carry out their bidding and clean up their messes great and small.

Thoughts on the Tuskegee and Holocaust Experiments, Experimental Vaccines and the First Amendment

Do you recall the Tuskegee Syphillis Experiment/“Study”? It was a project that spanned 1932-72 wherein a group of poor black men with syphillis were observed and told they were being treated for “bad blood”. No informed consent was obtained and they were not provided with the treatment of the day which toward the end of the study was penicillin, a known cure. This “study” was conducted by the US Public Health Service. Got that? By the US Government.

Do you remember learning about the horrible experiments performed on human subjects by the Axis Powers during WWII? Wide ranging, some of these involved forced experimental vaccines. (encyclopedia.ushmm.org). These were performed by medical professionals paid by and sanctioned by the government. Out of the discovery of these unethical medical practices and scientific experiments developed the Nuremberg Code (available through the National Institute of Health website, history.nih.gov). Number 1 of the ethical rules set out is the requirement for informed and voluntary consent.

Fast forward to the current mass vaccination campaign on adults and children using unlicensed, experimental mRNA components. Those who question or speak out are being banned and gagged. For example, the very creator (or one of the founders) of the mRNA technology was banned from raising reasonable concerns of its current use. Ironically he was bullied for questioning science. It is pretty Orwellian when the media sets itself up as The scientific source and silences those actually schooled and experienced in the scientific field.

Some say that all of the current banning and silencing cannot be seen as a First Amendment violation because it is private companies (Facebook, Twitter…) taking these steps. However, I would propose that we consider the fact that the social media platforms and forums form a significant part of the public debate forum that the First Amendment was created to protect and which its case law has consistently established parameters of protection. So while Dr. Robert Malone, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene and Joe Rogan may still be free to set out an actual soapbox on the street corner (…or would they in today’s political climate…?) their forum for expressing political dissent and public health commentary has been significantly curtailed by a “private” company in a way that seems to fly in the face of the protections established by the Founders.

We should ask why banning of certain thought and free speech is necessary? Can the reasonable individual not sort through the varied information to come up with his own conclusions? Should we rely on one company or group of individuals to feed us the “correct” information? When we as a society lose freedom of expression, the beautiful ability to discuss ideas and develop sharper thought that has throughout every period of renaissance produced newer and better products and smarter individuals, our freedom has been extinguished. Read your 1984 and consider the memory hole and governmental involvement in producing a uniform thought controlled populace. Is that the environment in which you want to live? I know my answer.