Financial Abuse 💸🤑

Today in my Family Law Mediator Training we heard from a Domestic Violence specialist. As she discussed psychological and financial abuse I recalled my former life. She talked about how in some relationships one spouse is granted an “allowance,” has no access to the bank accounts, handles none of the financial matters. I had a similar relationship where, though an attorney, I was told I wouldn’t know how (and this sticks with you…you start to believe it and it takes some undoing). He was an accountant so I figured it made sense for him to handle everything. I was busy taking care of my five babies.

The only times I balked were towards the end of the relationship when he tried to give me a credit card with his name alone, when he signed my name on our taxes, and when he would give me a different credit card each week. . . I know, right?

I never handled any banking, credit applications, or taxes. I wrote very few checks. Looking through an old check book recently I saw that in the last year of my marriage my husband had even written the check to reimburse my girlfriend for a girls’ weekend expense. Unbelievable. This person is unknowable to me today, four years post marriage.

A lot can happen when only one person is in control of the finances. You get a limited budget for groceries and hair cuts and time with friends. Things go missing like the proceeds from house sales.

On my own now I handle all my own finances. There was a learning curve certainly but even when I make mistakes it is freeing and I feel so much stronger.

I suppose I am a little jaded over to one side but I will never let anyone control …or really even access my finances again. I have learned a hard lesson and that makes it all the more valuable.

I don’t like to think of myself as a victim. I liked the term the teacher used today, survivor. It is much more positive. I like to learn from my mistakes, move forward & use what I’ve learned to try to help others.

So….if you find yourself washing your hair with baking soda to save money, always being told to stick to a budget created by someone else, skimping on yourself and your kids while your significant other is not held to the same restrictions, maybe all while believing you are saving up for retirement someday…if you have thought about divorcing but didn’t have any money of your own to pay an attorney a retainer, maybe have a deeper look…

Ode to the Personal Assistant

Yesterday I was listening to a radio talk show host while I was driving and his guests were lamenting women who work and how much better it is when women were home with their kids. They were claiming it is a lie that women can have and do it all.

Well, maybe…but ✨

What I think is a lie is the happily ever after, the idea that two people can marry and will stay married for their whole lives. 👰‍♀️💍🤵‍♂️

💔

I was married for 20 years, a stay at home for 10 of them. For the past 5 years I have been a working mom but have made a point to build my business in such a way as to make room and time for my children. Fortunately my professional credentials make it possible for me to operate my own law firm and I have found that my clients are actually attracted to a lawyer who is also family centered. They love the human aspect. 👩‍💼

What makes it possible for me to “do it all”? Well I will tell you my little secret…what has helped a great deal is having a personal assistant.

Before I hired my PA things were starting to get a bit out of control between getting my kids off to school and wanting to start my short work day (limited by the school day) as an attorney working out of my house but would be faced with a kitchen sink and countertop full of dishes and other debris left from my kids making their lunches & breakfast before heading off for the day. 😩

Fast forward to finding my Girl Friday (took me a couple of tries)! ✨

She picks up my slack, anticipates my needs. No job is too small or big for her. She picks my kids up, does my laundry, makes sure I have a clean kitchen, handless the endless Amazon return runs.

So I can focus on my area of skill.

She helps make it possible for me to be involved in my kids’ school lives as a Girl Scout troop co-leader and PTO Vice President.

It’s actually kind of like being married but without the drama part.

Not that I am trying to do everything but so grateful for the partnership that allows me to be involved in my kids’ lives while supporting them financially as a single mom and also staying sane.

Highly recommend one! 😀

Holy Week – Sacrifice 🙏🏻✝️

I have been listening to the gospels this Holy Week. In there are descriptions of John the Baptist who in the Christian Faith Tradition is understood to have prepared the way for the Messiah, Jesus Christ, his cousin in fact. John’s work of preparing the way ended with his head being served up on a platter following a big party.

This tells me that we cannot expect to always have our work rewarded, at least in this life. No matter how we apply ourselves to the work of caring for and providing for our families, no matter how well we serve our clients and customers, no matter how involved we are in benefiting our communities….our work may not be recognized or appreciated (especially if you have teenagers!), or more discouragingly may be despised and envied by others who will seek to stop us in our tracks, maybe even have our head. But this should not stop us from doing good, fighting the good fight, spreading the Good News, and sharing God’s love. Keep up the good work this day!

Why I Chose to Seek an Annulment

Some of you have probably heard of an annulment but most will have no real understanding of the term.

The Webster’s/Wikipedia definition of annulment is basically (paraphrasing) a determination that a marriage was void from the beginning. This of course differs from the legal act of a divorce which terminates the marriage but allows that it existed. And then there are those who separate or remain in divorce limbo for years…but I don’t want to digress.

My divorce was final almost exactly four years ago. I am Catholic and my faith has a procedure for annulment. As I began to look into it and learn, I realized I needed to follow this path as well.

At first I was concerned that it would affect my five children from the marriage. If the marriage never existed, wouldn’t that call into question their validity and existence? (Not legally, but in the realm where annulment exists.)

The US Confederation of Catholic Bishops explains the process and its meaning as follows: “What is often referred to as a ‘marriage annulment’ in the Church is actually a declaration by a Church tribunal (a Catholic Church court) that a marriage thought to be valid according to Church law actually fell short of at least one of the essential elements required for a binding union.”

For those who really want to understand Catholic doctrine, these are:

  1. the spouses are free to marry;
  2. they are capable of giving their consent to marry;
  3. they freely exchange their consent;
  4. in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another and be open to having and raising children;
  5. they intend the good of each other; and
  6. their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized Church minister.

The process is long and entailed but guided by a priest and very confidential. Each party has the chance to answer very detailed questions about the marriage. (Unfortunately so do friends, family and sometimes mental health professionals who you name as having information concerning the marriage. It is to say the least an extremely thorough process.

This differs from a legal annulment (recognized in some states), which can be based on factors such as:

  • One person already being legally married
  • Fraud (one person lied to the other person so they would consent to marriage)
  • Duress (one person agreed to the marriage after being threatened)
  • Incompetence (at least one person was not legally competent to agree to be married, such as mental illness or physical disability)
  • Bigamy (parties are first cousins or nearer relations)
  • Being underage without parental consent (17 and younger)

Originally I thought of seeking the nullity as a way of encouraging my children’s father (my former spouse) and his girlfriend to marry because I felt/feel that their living together without that in full view of my children contrasts with our Catholic faith (of which they also both subscribe).

As I entered into the process I found it was also a way to reflect upon the marriage in a deeper way than the legal divorce process allows for. It also provided, or I feel will, when granted, final closure on a chapter of my life that requires it.

When I left my marriage I was running from a bus headed over the cliff. My husband at the time had left his well paying job with great benefits, moved our family of 7 into a 3 bedroom apartment, leaving finances and tensions to be strung as tightly as a well tuned violin, which we were not. There was not a lot of time to assess. Just as the flight attendant directs you to do if you need to escape a downed plane, I basically left everything behind. As I begin to experience freedom and independence for the first time in my adult life I begin to reflect on aspects of the marriage and my partner that I never saw. I begin to read a lot on the matter and to understand our challenges in a new light and context. I begin to see that not everything had been my fault. I begin to forgive myself and to try to pass on a sense of self awareness to my children.

Annulment for me was, is, necessary for me to leave the marriage fully, to confirm that the marriage as I understood it, hoped for it to be, the life I tried to build for my children, wanted some badly and fought so hard for, was never possible, never existed. It was smoke, a mirage, the vapor over a grassy field in the morning light.

It allowed me to refocus my intentions and efforts on exemplifying a life to my children that takes the raw material of life, lessons, experience, wisdom, and forms it into a new life of meaning, beauty and purpose.

Never Ending Saga

Today we are going to find out if in Florida someone can effectively steal your children, have you threatened in the public right of way, stalk and harass you, act as conduit for hidden marital assets and not only get away with it but charge their victim for the pleasure. Stay tuned.

Lawyers: Love ‘Em or Hate ‘Em

On my mind today is a curiosity. As a solo practitioner with a focus on boutique estate planning I have to say 99% of my clients are amazing! I visit them in their homes where they serve me coffee & homemade banana bread or key lime pie. They come to my home office where we have seltzer. 😅

But that 1%…most don’t even make it to client status because I have gotten pretty good at intuiting who will be pleasant to work with. And one of the benefits of running your own shop is choosing who you want in your “sandbox” as my friend refers to it.

I am not sure why these folks feel they can expect free service from an attorney. It is unlikely they would visit their doctor or done in a restaurant or shop at the grocery and expect for it all to be zero cost. But somehow when it comes to a lawyer’s specialized services built on years of experience they expect something for nothing, balking at fees that have been presented up front and trying to argue that it really didn’t take that long or they could have done it themselves.

Is it because I am a female? Because I have my own firm? Because I do not keep office space and work on a mobile, virtual basis? Because I seem nice? …???

This is in sharp contrast to my other clients who ask to pay up front when I typically bill once the work is complete and thank me profusely.

The goal of my practice is to seek out those positive thinking, grateful clients who appreciate the hard work, attention to detail and professionalism I bring to the table, whether it is theirs or mine. And to all of them whom I’ve had the honor of serving, I am so grateful for YOU.

On Death 🪦💀

My kids call me a “death attorney” without even a trace of sarcasm. And it is true we have seen a lot of death lately. As an estate planning attorney it sometimes falls to me to be with my clients during their last days, hours, even at their bedside at their last breath. Some have no one else. As for my kids, we have a lot of pets and they have experienced loss there, a beloved old Tom cat we actually inherited from one of my clients, a hamster, a goldfish won at the fair and to which my daughter became quickly attracted over just a few short days he was with us, (I am not ashamed to admit that I actually attempted to cover this one up by substituting Bubbles with Bubbles II but my daughter was too shrewd and would not be fooled.)

I saw this quote and I find it a good one. When you see a lot of death, especially of people who are your age, it brings home the reality of your mortality. We will all cross that bridge into the unknown. Maybe having lived long, maybe not. Maybe surrounded by loved ones. Maybe alone. Maybe peacefully. Maybe painfully. Maybe knowing, expecting. Maybe by surprise.

I am chilled when I think about those who pass that way stout in their belief that there is nothing beyond. Even without tangible visible proof I choose to believe in the after life, which is some open and flexible version of my Christian teachings and the less formalized, spiritual possibility of reincarnation. I believe in physics and that matter in whatever form whether body or soul does not just disappear.

Does seeing death regularly make it more palatable? Probably not. But it does highlight the importance of making sure it is a life well lived. This probably means different things to different people. To me it means sharing love, shining my light, spreading happiness, whether to my children, clients or friends.

Every Mom’s Nightmare

My good friend is suffering. I have been on this journey with her, especially since we live next door and have similar age kids in the same school. It has been heartbreaking to see her go from vibrant yoga studio owner to very very sick. Please help if you are inclined, whether by donating or praying.🙏🏻💫

https://gofund.me/ac0f603d

Sticks & Stones

I love to listen to The Message version of The Holy Bible app first thing in the morning. I know my Mom would not approve because to her the only true Word of God was the King James, but even though I have read the Bible several times through I still gain so many new insights by listening to this version:

“A student doesn’t get a better desk than her teacher. A laborer doesn’t make more money than his boss. Be content—pleased, even—when you, my students, my harvest hands, get the same treatment I get. If they call me, the Master, ‘Dungface,’ what can the workers expect?”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭10:24-25‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Today I was listening to Matthew and realized where our “sticks and stones” reference comes from, maybe most people already know this and maybe I did at one point also but it was highlighted freshly today as I listened. Check it out! As true today as then…whatever mean things people say about us, however they try to paint us in society, however they criticize, they cannot touch our souls which belong to Jesus. Words can never hurt me, meaning they cannot affect me at that deepest core of who I am. On the surface, sure. Have teenagers? They can say some pretty hurtful things. So can friends, (with friends like that…), colleagues, anyone jostling you for a place in business or society, Christian or otherwise, but words can never hurt you, never move you from your eternal place with Christ Jesus.

Teenagers

My teenager: “Stop texting me. You know how I feel about you and how you treated me. If you want another chance it’s too late”

Me…was it the trip to Universal over NYE, fast pass & all you can eat…?

Was it taking time to homeschool you until you were in 6th grade when you entered with honors?

Feeding you good food?

Meeting with you & your school counselor over & over when you had a rough freshman year?

Taking you to church?

Taking you out to eat?

Making the foods you like?

Making sure you always have what you need?

Helping you find a job?

Teaching you to drive & helping you get your permit?

Welcoming your friends into our home?

Being involved in your school?

…

Total dismay

Unfortunately, a narcissistic parent will weaponize the teenager against the other parent and use them to continue the abuse they cannot enact against you directly as they once could.