Kindness

When did kindness come to be considered as the overarching value for society to achieve? We see it everywhere now, on bumper stickers and t-shirts, billboards, inspirational plaques and posters.

Has anyone considered what elevating this value, taken to its logical extreme, would look like?

I am not advocating any value replace it because I do not believe there is one most important value. They are all, responsibility, respect, hard work, right thinking, reason, loyalty, honesty, diligence, self motivation and control, important and work together.

If everyone is just kind what will be accomplished?

And what does it mean, this command to Be Kind? In whose estimation? When we stick up for the bullied we are certainly not going to be regarded by the bully as kind. When in business a company gives its all to push out a superior product it’s competitor(s) will certainly not regard this as kind.

So I think we should carefully consider exalting any one value over others lest we become lopsided in our regard and actions.

Community and Grace

I love this resource as well as Attorney Rebecca Zung’s YouTube videos on the same subject.

Here Renee talks about a narcissist’s constant state of unhappiness and the victim’s attempts to arrange their life to please him or her. I myself agreed to sell my dream house and move to another state where I could not work in my chosen profession (as a lawyer, regulated and licensed state by state in the US) where I would later pay over $3500 and spend 6 months studying to obtain a new business license, just to try to make mine happy. And guess what? He still wasn’t! Surprised? If you’re loving it you shouldn’t be. Bet it sounds familiar. I later left him and now I am happier in that new state! Give it a listen. Educate yourself. If it resonates, think about changes you might want to work towards. If not, great – you don’t have this issue! Pass it on to someone who might.

End of an Era

My former spouse gave me this Thomas Kincade when we got engaged. I was living in my little dorm at law school and it showed up. It is called Hyde Park and depicts a historic San Francisco, including Alcatraz in the background. We had visited San Francisco together on a big impromptu road trip shortly after he finished his one year graduate program and I had finished my first year of law school. It has accompanied me since to MI, NY, Denver and Naples. But we have been divorced three years now and it was time to make room for something new. Not sure what yet. That part of my wall is currently blank. But I sold it for what I could to a nice couple who I hope will enjoy it for years and took my kids on a vacation with the proceeds.

The Problem With Democracy

I have been thinking a lot lately about the inefficiencies that can result from change of administration when we elect a new president in the U.S. Let me say that I love our form of government and think the Founding Fathers were the smartest guys around. The genius of what they created in our founding documents is unsurpassed in human history. But I find it troubling how much can change every 4-8 years around here. I’ve been struggling with this because I appreciate our democratic republic so very much. Recent events have highlighted the difference one man can make in one of the branches of our tripartite government. Could the founding fathers have been ok with this? It just seems so very inefficient. One minute we are building a border wall. The next we are allowing a steady flow of outsiders in. One minute we are holding back the enemy with a small force. The next we are abandoning our own people behind enemy lines. All without any input from the American people other than a vote to eject one person.

No matter how I consider this apparent flaw I come back to the way our founders considered Everything when they hammered out our Constitution that sweaty summer.

I keep coming back to the fact that it all has to do with the grossly unconstitutional massive expansion of our federal government over the past century. Part of that is the creation of a fourth branch of government never devised by the Constitution, the administrative branch (extending from the executive branch like Medusa’s snakey hair). This has allowed overreach into the lives of private citizens into areas of private property (one of the three basic tenets of our Declaration!), health, and livelihood (read pursuit of happiness, again from the Declaration). Without the massive growth of the federal branch the states would be governing themselves. The small involvement the federal side was intended to have would be balanced with state rights. It would be impossible for the federal government to roll out its military indiscriminately without a sufficient amount of states’ support. Consider that. It is unlikely we would have such a military presence in the world. Our Founders tended toward isolation, cautioning against foreign engagement.

Abiding by the wisdom of our Founders, striving to return to that true form of democratic republic is the only hope to halt the slide into a country where the government has ultimate control over the citizenry. It is also the remedy to the schizophrenic inefficiency of the roller coaster that ensues when a different man takes the reins every 4-8 years.

Public Service Announcement: Did You Know You Cannot Sue Amazon?

In January I burned my hands severely (second and third degree) using oven mitts manufactured in China and distributed by Amazon. They failed catastrophically in normal use. As a result I learned how impossible it is to sue the Chinese manufactures who send so many cheaply made (and hardly ever quality checked) products to the U.S., or Amazon from where we obtain so many such goods in present day society. Very eye opening that we have No Legal Recourse.

Third degree burn

Grace

I am telling you this because I once wondered if I really was, because I lived with someone who made me feel I was, and told me I was. My friends and a professional all confirmed I was not but instead was suffering the effects of living with a person who was acting, if not crazy himself, certainly unconventionally and unreasonably.

Communication with a person with narcissistic tendencies can make you feel crazy. You will bring up a promise they made only to hear them say they do not recall it or deny having said it. All the time. Even if you go as gray as you can while for parenting they will still try to pull you in, telling you they cannot take the children to a counseling appointment during their parenting time so that you cancel it, then asking the following day what time the appointment is.

I say this so you know that you are not alone. I don’t know you but would hazard to guess that if you are reading this, it is not you but them. stay strong and don’t let them make you actually crazy.

*This post is in no way meant to belittle anyone suffering from mental illness. The term “crazy” here is used in the broad and generic sense. We all need to take care of our mental health just as we do our physical.

I listened to a podcast on Spotify by Renée Swanson about living on breadcrumbs and it really resonated with me. I lived on so little emotionally during my twenty year marriage. Just ask was positively elated growing up in Michigan if the weather was nice for a whole weekend, during my marriage I was happy if we had a peaceful time when things didn’t blow up chaotically. I always thought it was me and worked so hard to fix myself snd the relationship but now I understand there was nothing I could have done. I learned this when I sacrificed my home, friends, house, and career to uproot my family and move to a state where my husband did not have a job just so he might be happy. News flash: he wasn’t. People like him will never be happy.

Also check out Rebecca Zung on YouTube. Education will bring light to your situation. Praying for you tonight.🙏🏻💕

Thought and Comment on Afghanistan

This is not about whether or not America should have had troops in Afghanistan now if ever. It is not about whether it is right for the US to consistently include democracy building in its engagement goals. The fact is if your “friend” did to you what Biden has done to our allies you would not consider them stupid or incompetent. You would see them as they asshole they are.

In the wake of the absolute debacle of a withdrawal from (or if you are cynical, deliberate abandonment of) Afghanistan a lot of people have claimed that the Afghan military was weak and didn’t even care to fight. In actuality, some 50,000 Afghans have died over some no American combat casualties in over a year In contrast, 66,000 Afghan military have lost their lives. This proves they Have been fighting for themselves.

Lack of strategy has resulted in a void that has backtracked our foreign policy to the pre 9/11 environment that allowed the Taliban and terrorist organization Al-Qaeda to rise to power, terrorizing people in the region and elsewhere and oppressing women to abominable extent.

US presence in Afghanistan contributed to leaps and bounds advancement of women there. It opened the doors for private philanthropy to address human rights needs. All of that has been reversed. We have surrendered our equipment and know-how; abandoned almost 100,000 people who assisted the US over the past 20 years; and given up the ground of supporting females of all ages.

I have a friend who was a very big whig diplomat, now retired. He lived and worked in Afghanistan, China and many other foreign locations during his illustrious career. He and I do not typically see eye to eye politically but this situation has aligned us in thought and opinion. I asked if he thinks this equates with Saigon as many have pronounced (which he would have lived through while I did not…though I was an adult by the time 9/11 occurred). He said with passion this is worse. He was absolutely aghast and confirmed that this has been completely bungled under typical foreign policy procedures.

“The women and children raised their happy voices with all the rest.” The Bible, Nehemiah 12:43. God cares about women and children and suffering. The US made a way for equality and education and life in a dark war torn place. It is a dark day and international setback that now the people return to weeping and fear in oppression.

Random Thoughts

Why I am buying real books again. No, it is not so my one year old puppy can nibble on them, though that may have happened! My friend & I visited Costco the other night (yes, it was a big Friday night!) and I purchased 3 classic books in hardcover. I had orders two more. They are stacked on my HS son’s computer desk in a suggestion to encourage him to read these important works (DM me for my essential reading list!). For a long time I veered toward paperless. We have always been library patrons (yes, mostly through overdue fines, my main philanthropic contribution through the years) & frequent visitors, particularly as former homeschoolers. I wanted to save trees and money. However, recently, it had come to my attention (alarmingly!) that it may be dangerous to depend upon the internet for our sole or primary source of information & research. Here’s why. We have to look to who is controlling the information database and what might be the agenda and value system of these controlling groups/entities. This hit me like a ton of bricks recently when trying to provide research sources to one of my older children supporting our decision not to vaccinate. It alarmed me that information and studies I had easily found a few years back have either been eradicated or bombarded by the governmental pro-vaccine push of statistics and “studies.” Contained among these is heavy condemnatory opinion pieces slandering those who choose to keep their bodies feee from foreign matter produced in laboratories (because we should definitely trust laboratories after the recent events!).

Why I have started answering my phone with my firm’s band instead of my own. Because so many people take it upon themselves to solicit me with everything from professional listings to SS scams every day. Unfortunately, due to the dubious nature of these people I found the need to filter.

Why I do not support mass transit public transportation government initiatives…while on a recent business trip to my long time home Denver, Colorado I learned some interesting history. Pre WWII there had been an extensive commuter railway system between Denver, Boulder and their outlying “suburbs” at the time. Following WWII these were dismantled due to modern highways. Fast forward to a push to now build “light rail” infrastructure along these very same lines to the tune of millions and billions of taxpayer dollars. To me this little historical bit underscores government inefficiency and highlights why the market and private enterprise is the better avenue for infrastructure initiatives.

On the Narcissist

When you are dealing with a narcissist co-parent people who have never experienced one will say things like: it will all turn out, the kids will be fine, just be nice and he’ll come around, and… just sit down and talk to him about it.

These reasonable advice givers do not understand that the more you attempt to reason with the narcissist the more inclined they are to do the opposite of what you are asking. This makes no sense of course. The only reason is because they want you to react. This is what fuels them. It is sick and crazy but true.

They long for the day when they had you in their grasp and could turn the situation from a pleasant morning or evening into a hellish one so fast it made your head spin as you sat in your puddle of tears on the bathroom floor wondering what you did wrong and vowing to yourself that you would fix whatever character flaw it could have been so you could have a healthy happy relationship.

If you’re there now and reading this, hear me: IT IS NOT YOU!

The only true way to escape a narcissist is to get the hell completely away from them. Sever ALL ties.

But if you made the big mistake of having children with a narcissist you cannot do this while you are forced to co parent.

The narcissist will demand and be able to convince the court to grant him equal parenting time even though he has NO interest in parenting. Your babies will be left unattended and untended. You will helplessly hear stories from them of their father leaving them alone morning and night to pursue his own superstar sports activities. You will hear them beg you to not make them go to their dad’s but you will be forced by the court to leave them on his door step as they cry to you not to leave them.

You will see them dressed in rags in their school pictures taken while with him.

They will raid your pantry and fridge out of hungry desperation when they return to your care, having been forced to eat only meat, as raw as possible, for the last week.

You will suggest to them that they talk to to their dad about wanting to spend time with him without other women present and you will cry your heart out when they tell you they did and he ignored their requests.

And so would you be if you were threatened that your face would be smashed.

You will watch as your kids are moved around from cruddy apartment to cruddier apartment when they could be living at your home.

And you will die a little when he tells you he’ll be moving them into his girlfriend’s home.

You will hear your kids speak of the grand promises made by him and you will know that he will let them down like he did you time and again.

You will watch their dad strongarm them into not taking medication prescribed by their doctor and prevent them from attending counseling sessions.

And time and again you will hear attorneys tell you it is just not enough to change the situation. There must be bruises, real evidence of abuse.

And that is the really sick part. The brokenness of the system.

That allows your beautiful family to be ripped apart.

So save yourself heartache that will never heal and do not have children with a narcissist.

The Narcissist

If you thought the narcissist was bad while you were together (looking back since you did not see it then), calling you crazy, “forgetting” he or she said things, accusing you of an affair in front of your children after you go out fir drinks with colleagues (never mind his weekend “team building” over the top corporate events), reading your diary, searching your drawers, refusing to respect privacy, and causing a general unpredictable environment where things could up of be great one moment and escalate to apocalyptic fights the next…well, all I can say is, get ready for when you leave and especially when you learn to stay calm and appear unaffected. The following are personally experienced possible occurrences.

He will leave his phone behind while you attend a family function together which someone will give you to take to him (Do Not Take It!) and he will send the police to your door claiming you stole it. He will use one of your children’s phones that you pay for to call them and tell your children this lie.

He will make up abundant lies about you to tell your children and others. You will constantly wage a war of truth. You will have constant fact checking meetings with your children to make sure they understand the truth.

You or your children will make simple requests, to assemble a bicycle for example, and his girlfriend (or boyfriend) will tell him or her that this is an outrageous request and he will refuse.

He …or she…will do Everything in his power to disparage you, and will attempt (and succeed sometimes) to separate your children from you, isolate them, and reprogram them.