I divorced in 2018 after a 20 year marriage. Within the year my former husband introduced our children (ages 13, 11, 9, 7 and 6 at the time) to another woman. This woman would become a fixture in our lives for the next 7 years, causing great destruction.
When she first came on the scene I sent her a notecard letting her know I’d like to meet her as I understood she was spending time with my kids. I invited her to lunch, my treat. No response.
I learned from my young children that ***’s husband had died by suicide shortly before she was dating my former husband officially. This introduced my children to the notion of suicide, a subject they gad not previously had exposure to.
She showed up at every sporting event of my kids, went over to talk with the coaches as if she were the mom. She actually told people she Was the mom. I know because my friend told me.
At every turn, she expressed her opinions as to our children’s interests and these were considered more worthy than mine. Together they made fun of me in their home in front of my children. She was defended by my children’s father at every step of the way. I was made out to be the bad guy.
Our parenting agreement had a clause that neither of us would cohabitate with another during our parenting time.
But the following year my former husband wanted to move in with his girlfriend and did so despite the clause. A local magistrate approved his unilateral altering of our agreement. From that time I knew that his word was no good.
Things really exacerbated when my oldest son went to live with his dad at girlfriend’s house. She lives in a gated community and put me, a lawyer of 20 years, on the red alert. Every time I needed to pick up or drop off my kids I was given an interrogation by the guards. One guard asked if I had robbed a bank or something. They had never seen anything like it before. Some days if girlfriend was not home to answer the guardhouse we had to turn back. Many times my kids were late to practices if they were missing an item of their gear they had inadvertently left at dad’s.
When my oldest son lived there dad and girlfriend locked it down even tighter. I barely saw my son for three years of his highschool because it was so difficult to gain entrance. He felt uncomfortable going against their wishes to see his Mom.
Things went on like this for years. She attended every sporting and church event, seeking to influence every situation to her advantage. I was made to feel like the outsider. If they had the kids on Christmas or Easter and attended Mass, I was not allowed to sit with or near them. The kids were discouraged from having contact with me at such times and my heart would break as it seemed so distant. They felt they could never give more than a sheepish wave while kicking their toe in the dirt for fear of offending *** which always came at a cost. At my son’s Confirmation during the shutdown in 2020 he was hustled out directly by his father before I could even hug or congratulate him.
During this time my oldest son had gotten involved in drugs. No one bothered to inform me. One time on a rare occasion I got to see him I let his dad know I observed he had Visine drops and asked if he thought he was using any drugs. No no no was the answer. How could I think such a thing.
In his senior year his dad kicked him out summarily after girlfriend drug tested him. He came back to me, far into the drug world. I worked hard to help him, was researching programs to help him, some at the cost of $35,000 per month, willing to do anything to help him. Things got worse. He went to jail for a time. But still I worked with him. He had an acceptance to a local very good 4 year college. We got into the orientation last minute and finally he had hope. We got him registered, he was doing it. But one day after meeting with the addiction counseling person Laurie at Lighthouse, a condition of his parole, I found him dead with a shot to his head in his bed at home. It had been a normal morning. He had left for his 7:30 lab at school, we talked just before his meeting. It seemed to come out of the blue.
To underscore the gravity of the years of insult and oppression, one moment stands out. In the middle of my deep grief, rather than follow the funeral director’s plans, the girlfriend sat in my seat at the funeral, up front with my kids and their dad. I sat behind them all.
That was in February of the longest year of my life. My other four kids and I were moving forward, honoring the memory of their brother, seeking help through resources. We had a cruise planned over Christmas break.
Six days before we were to disembark my second son, also out of the blue, a great student, athlete, with friends, died by suicide, using his father’s gun.
His father and girlfriend had left for a trip before he went missing that day. They were largely unavailable and uncooperative in the search, poopooing my concerns just as local police had. They continued on toward their destination so girlfriend could run her race.
Oddly, his dad knew ahead of time, while our son was still missing, where police would find him later that terrible night.
A hearing was held on the last day of the year, seeking to ensure that there would be no firearms at either residence where our kids were. I agreed. Dad agreed. The girlfriend, whose house where my kids spent their time with dad, insisted on keeping her loaded weapons in the house. Based on constitutional and procedural factors, the judge refused to limit the parenting time and for 9 months I lived in fear when my kids would have to go to this woman’s home, knowing by her own testimony she insisted on keeping loaded weapons in her home and refusing to alter her conduct even given the extreme and unusual circumstances of 3 people out of her household dying by gun violence.
I am not sure if that was the impetus for the breakup. Or maybe she felt she had caused sufficient damage to my family, continually slandering me and my business every chance she could get all along the way as well. But in any event, 7 years of trauma to my family later, finally we can be without this noxious influence.
Last weekend was homecoming and my former husband joined us as we took pictures of the girls. It was so simple, so pleasant, so non confrontational and peaceful compared to all the events she had insisted on attending through the years, ruining every one with her manipulations, making my own children afraid to talk to or be with me, her pouting, scowling face letting them know they would catch it from dad if they gravitated too much toward Mom.
Now my kids can be free to have a relationship with their father unmarred by this controlling influence. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that she is out of the picture. If only it could have happened sooner and my boys had not been victims of adult immaturity and control.
Notes From Real Life 