Notes From Real Life

Holiday Loss

When you lose someone the loss can be accentuated on the holidays. Today it is Halloween. In the morning I was at the middle school where I have volunteered for 10 years. It was the first school my oldest son entered after being homeschooled through elementary. I wanted to keep a casual eye so I started volunteering and I have never left. Mostly I have served on the PTO board. This is my last year. So it is bittersweet and I am trying to give it my all. Last weekend I manned the haunted house dressed as a witch. Today I was “selling” my wares from our positive behavior cart where the kids can buy cute little erasers, pencils, and of course football themed pencil toppers. I love to observe the kids. But whenever I am at the school my boys’ ghosts are there as well. I feel their memory and presence.

I have also been reflecting on a halloween two years past when my second son and I watched a movie. My youngest went trick or treating with friends. My oldest was with his girlfriend. It became dark and I was concerned about my youngest and then in she walked along with my oldest and his girlfriend. It was a relief but also confusing because I thought they had brought her home but actually it was just coincidence. This girlfriend of my son’s who we all adored. She got him to do things he would never do such as dress in costume for Halloween. He did like to wear scary shirts like his Freddy Kreuger one but he hadn’t dressed in an actual costume in years. And here he was dressed as Winnie the Poo with his girlfriend Tigger. So cute. So surprising. So bittersweet to recall now that he is gone 20 months.

A Comparative Analysis of the Law of Two States

This morning I had the luxury of time and picked up two of my neglected periodicals, the Colorado Lawyer and The Florida Bar Journal. Reading through these side by side, which I rarely do, was an instructive experience that highlighted the difference between my two states of bar licensure.

One difference between the states is that in Colorado attorneys are regulated by the court system, the Colorado Supreme Court. Being a part of the Colorado Bar Association is voluntary. In Florida you are obligated as a licensed bar member to be a member of The Florida Bar. Part of the journals is a section that covers attorneys who have been disciplined. As a self regulating organization nationwide, the idea is to impose some element of public humiliation as a disincentive to other attorneys to act badly toward their clients, the judiciary and sometimes (but less often) the general public. Acts that regularly receive discipline are inappropriate acts regarding client funds, failing in an extreme way to communicate with clients, and swearing at judges. So the Colorado cases look more like criminal cases, People v. Joe Smith, by way of made-up example. In Florida it is the Bar Association, not the state that is imposing discipline. Both can have the same ultimate outcome of course, which in the most extreme cases is loss of your bar license.

Another difference I note between the two publications is that the Florida one focuses solely on the law, new U.S. Supreme Court decisions, new Florida laws, and analysis of both. The Colorado one contains this as well but contains many other interesting articles about the practice or business of law and innovations there, historical case highlights, and changes in the way justice is being made more accessible. It is thus generally a more interesting and entertaining read. It also underscores the difference I have seen between the way the law is taught in each state. I attended law school (a long time ago now) in Colorado and the focus was very much theoretical, looking to what the law could or should be, very progressive in nature. From my understanding from my law school interns in Florida where I also practice, law school is oriented toward teaching what the law is, and very state specific, and aimed at Bar passage. Much like our public schools are uber focused on performance on standardized state tests, Florida law schools (but my sample includes one main local school) seem to focus on making sure their students can pass Florida’s bear of a Bar exam.

Now, looking at the law more specifically, I have observed that Colorado includes more uniform standards, whereas Florida relies on its own statutes and the case law that draws the real life examples of how the statutes play out in practical terms. Florida is also broken up into several circuits which are always making conflicting decisions that ultimately go up to the Supreme Court, Florida’s and at times the U.S.

Colorado’s judicial system is more simplified and follows a more common sense model. In general Colorado law, substantive and procedurally, follows the federal system more closely. For example, court cases are governed by procedural rules that reflect the federal rules. They are concise and strictly applied. For example, motions follow a schedule. You respond with a brief within a certain number of days. In Florida, you can choose not to respond. You can choose to request a hearing. There is no standard path that is followed for each motion.

Colorado has adopted both the Uniform Dissolution of Marriage Act and the Uniform Trust Code, which provide more regularity in these wide reaching areas of law.

When you read Colorado cases you are going to learn about elements such as mountain boundary disputes, neighboring ranches fighting over water rights, and mining rights. In the federal court cases you get a lot of big criminal cases because Denver has the federal court for the less populated surrounding states.

In Florida many cases revolve around the condo laws and high net worth divorce or probate/trust.

There is no better or lesser but only difference, just like the two states offer the opposite of the best of both worlds, sunny weather and beaches and sunny weather and mountains. I love both and am privileged to be able to have a presence in each.

On Scary

This morning I saw the highschoolers going into school. It must be spirit week because many of them had Halloween themed pajama bottoms or t shirts. My son used to have a Freddy Krueger one.

Tis the season. On Saturday I worked the haunted house at the middle school. Last night my friends and I attended a costume wine walk.

Scaring the kids in the haunted house dressed as a witch got me thinking…what is “scary”, this term we so associate with this time of year?

In the haunted house I observed that certain kids were more likely to “scare” while others remained impervious. It seemed that the “scare” factor was induced by startling them, if one of us actors jumped out at them from our hiding spots.

However, scary can also relate to something gory, gross or spooky/erie.

The Webster’s definition is “causing fright, alarming” so this fits.

So actually “startle” seems more appropriate. We become scared because an event startles us. It is a sense of shock.

It must be our lust for an adrenaline rush that entices us to seek out opportunities to experience this startled sense…haunted houses, corn mazes, even amusement park rides.

I guess in our English language or perhaps all language the more words we have to describe our human experience the better.

On Loss … Again

When you have picky kids, and you lose one of them, one of the memories that you are terrified of forgetting is the particular way that they preferred the various dishes that you cook as a regular course for your family for example, today I was preparing chili and thinking about how my one son who was lost last year preferred no toppings and my other one who was also last last year preferred all of the toppings it’s a funny thing a thing that you take for granted when they are here just something you remember as a mom and then something you fight very hard to hold onto once they’re gone.

On Camp

This is an accolade to camp. As a child I attended summer camps for one or two weeks or a few days at a time over the summer, sometimes a few different camps during a summer break. Never for the entire summer as some kids especially in the east do. It was mostly a lovely experience, a part of a childhood where my parents sought to provide me with many varied experiences in life. Not extremely elaborate, but well rounded. Ballet, violin and piano lessons, little weekend family trips around our state, things like that. My dad was a pilot so there was also the opportunity to fly in little planes. We never had our own but he would take me up frequently and give me lessons.

My kids attended Young Life camp in Florida where we live. My girl loved it. It’s hard to tell if the boys did but they did receive fierce sunburns so at least they were out enjoying the water. That much we know.

In 2024 my daughter asked to go to camp. We had lost her brother in February and it was her request to go to a camp where no one knew her. I think our whole family was feeling a bit under the microscope in our small town where everyone seemed to know about our experience and we could not escape the well intentioned pitying gazes.

So as I do when my kids ask me for something that I feel will be positive for them, I being to search my rolodex brain. I landed on a camp that one of my highschool friends had worked at and were I had visited her once when camp was out of session. It is in Michigan where I grew up. The one where I visited her is apparently is the boys’ camp. However both the girls’ and boys’ are located on idyllic northern Michigan lakes. Think Trumpet of the Swan setting (although I believe that was Canada). So I searched the internet and found it. I inquired and signed her up for a two week session. We all flew up to Michigan and dropped her off. Now one of the beautiful things about this camp, which by the way is Hayo-Went-Ha, is that the campers are without phones or other techy devices for the entire session. They can write letters the old fashioned way and the parents can write letters as well. So…after dropping her my other kids and I and my dad went to stay at a nearby Airbnb for the time my daughter would be in camp. I thought she is either going to love this or hate this. There is no in between. I sat with bated breath until her first letter arrived. Mom, I LOVE it here. I have so many friends. We have a lake we jump in first thing in the morning. We are going on a 4 day canoe trip. I was so relieved. But I thought is this really my daughter, who sits in front of her mirror every morning before school doing her makeup for an hour, who spends four hours putting on and elaborately decorating her nails?

The two week session included the 4 day canoe trip in the upper peninsula of Michigan. This involves hiking while hoisting the canoes over hilly areas. This turned out to be a life changing experience for my daughter. After I picked her up she cried that night in culture shock with having her phone back and also missing her friends.

Not surprisingly she wanted to return the following summer (this past one). She talked her sister into it but her experience was opposite. Each child is an individual! In any event, my older daughter loved her second year at camp even more. This time she was there a month and this included 2 weeks canoeing and portaging in Ontario. We are talking super roughing it. No showers, wilderness campsites, even a medical evacuation of one of the campers (who turned out to be ok), eating packaged meals that you add water to. The whole shebang. She swam in beautiful freezing crystal clear lakes. She got eaten alive with mosquitoes. She laughed. She cried. She pushed herself. Now I didn’t mention that in December of 2024 we had lost another of her brothers to suicide. So this camp session and wilderness trip for my daughter was life saving. Honestly. It was what she needed to cope, to grieve, to distract, to escape, to feel alive, to move forward.

So guess what? I just signed her up for a third year and this is going to be the coup de grace. The campers at her age go to Alaska for 3 weeks for kayaking and hiking. It is going to be an amazing experience and I am so glad the other years have prepared her. I have never done anything like what she has done and I know it is making her so strong, so confident.

And that is my raving review on camp and this on in particular. It is not cheap but in terms of what you are going to spend your money on toward your kids (and you know you are going to spend a lot!) it is so well worth it!

Book Report

I am listening to a Reese Witherspoon book, Broken Country by Clare Leslie Hall. I just happened upon it because it was well rated. I have been surprised and delighted by how much it resonates with me.

As a mom who lost two of my children in one year I really identify with the loss the main character is experiencing and expressing over the loss of her young son.

At one point she describes how it feels to share this shocking news with a stranger. The description (paraphrased) is perfect: stumbling to help comfort them as they confront the awkwardness of your grief.

Later she laments how the townspeople don’t want to talk about her son and it feels like everyone wants to forget or as if he never existed.

One of my sons was a high school senior when he died. His fellow students were wonderful about reaching out and still keep in touch and we share in a very real way. The school was another story. They did everything to see it his tragic death by suicide under the rug, refusing (and finally relenting the following year) to grant him a posthumous diploma, forbidding he be referenced or acknowledged openly at graduation, refusing to allow me to purchase a plaque with his name (on a wall where such plaques are displayed), and refusing to allow a nonprofit to sponsor an athletic event aimed at mental health awareness.

I often discuss my sons in passing. Just like I talk about my living children I will say, oh, Q really liked to play video games or SK loved to dribble his basketball. I feel those around me clam up because I think they are not sure if I am crazy or just not sure in general. But I don’t want to forget them. It terrifies me to think they may be erased from memory and existence.

I think you will enjoy this book and if you’ve experienced a loss especially as a mom I think you will find it particularly insightful and healing in the way that someone who gets you can provide.

On Loss

It is so hard always having to ignore or pretend that I have only 3 children when I have….had? 5. The questions from people about my children are dreaded and embarrassing. Sometimes I answer vaguely, dishonestly. Not wanting to admit my two oldest children are not here on earth anymore. Sometimes I just say they are older, not at home anymore, leave the listener to surmise they are away at college somewhere. How do you interject that into the everyday banter? I think of the words, paraphrased, of a book I am reading where a character has experienced similar loss. You dread, you expect, you anticipate, to rush to fill in the void that involves comforting the recipient of the information, covering over the awkwardness of the depth of your grief as they are at a loss for words.

On Teens … Again

I have discovered that when you have teenagers your time with them mostly surrounds their activities. I am super grateful that I get lots of entertainment from my kids. I get to alternately watch soccer, cheer (along with football and basketball going on in the background) and equestrian.

These activities also dictate a lot of our travel and I love the opportunity to travel all together but more often than not one on one with one of my teens.

We don’t always share much verbal communication on these jaunts but the physical presence is there, the opportunity for conversations big or small.

Is it expensive? Yes. For sure. Especially as a solo parent much of the time. But so worth it.

On Suicide Prevention

Reader advisory: This post contains information on suicide which could be upsetting to some.

There is much out there on suicide prevention and awareness. But can we prevent suicide?

I speak from personal experience, having lost two of my five children to suicide.

Myth: Those who attempt suicide will first speak about their intentions.

Truth: The common thought seems to be that people who intend do use suicide as an option speak about it before. This not always true.

Myth: Those who have suicidal ideation will show signs (popularly discussed are giving away items, losing interest in previously enjoyed activities, or other major changes in routine).

Truth: Sometimes suicide occurs out of the blue without these signs. Someone can seem fine and happy and then they are lost to the world.

Myth: Only people with heavy depression decide to die by suicide.

Truth: Depression is only one factor for suicidal tendency. The reasons are as varied as the people who choose this option. During the Depression and the World Trade Center fires on 9/11 many jumped to their deaths because they felt (and were) trapped, whether physically or financially. Sometimes the pressures of life are too much. Solutions cannot be seen. The light at the end of the tunnel is too faint.

Myth: We can figure out with reasonable thinking strategies why someone has died by suicide.

Truth: Absolutely not. Suicide is by its nature an irrational act that has no reason or explanation. That is not to say that there were not factors that would reasonably lead to such action (financial, family, loss, or other situation that seems impossible to get past) but in the end suicide is not a rational act. While it may help us who are left behind to have an explanation that seems to fit, we will really never know the answers or completely understand.

Myth: We can prevent someone from dying by suicide. The neat little formula that I feel was taught in school and probably still is is that if someone expresses any of the model signs of having suicidal thoughts, we can speak with them and rescue them from this path and everyone lives happily ever after.

Truth: Like most things in life, this way of thinking is too simplistic. It does not take into account the myriad reasons someone might be considering ending his or her life. Sometimes the root causes of suicide can be caught and addressed with medication and of course by making the means more difficult to access. However, if someone is truly bent on this course of action it will probably happen inevitably. The is a dark thought I know but it seems to be true so there is no point in ignoring it.

So what can we do then if we encounter someone who appears to be suicidal? This will of course vary from scenario to scenario but in simple terms, we can just be there. We can be that person who helps in that moment, maybe it is with a kind word, a meal, a hug, a financial contribution, a listening ear. I also like to encourage my teenage children to (1) always have something to look forward to and (2) learn that every problem has a solution no matter how big the problem may seem.

That was a dark subject but I think it is important to face reality and not have the egotistical thought process and understanding that we have the power to change the course of someone else’s life. We only have that power with regard to our own.

Peace, love and blessings.

Abuse Continues Generationally Unless Intentionally Addressed

When I was divorcing my husband of 20 years after finally realizing that my kids and I could not go on enduring the financial hardship and psychological abuse that he had wrought, I reached out to his family who I had known since I was in my mid 20s to let them know that I would like to remain amicable and on good terms since they were the aunts and uncles of my five children Unfortunately no one responded.

Seven years later we would lose two of those children to suicide. Following the Mass for my second son in January of this year, one of the brothers purposefully approached me at the church though I was studiously avoiding everyone and just trying to keep myself together, standing next to my best friend and my father, eyes cast down to close out my surroundings. I had lost my sister in July of that year and my first son in February of that year. It has been a year of loss and tragedy, and I was not interested in dealing with my ex-husband’s family at the funeral for a second time. When I had enters the church they had been poised in a large semicircle, all 13 of them with their children as well, staring me down. I had kept my head down and avoided eye contact.

Nevertheless, he approached me, put his arm around me. He is a large man and there was no shirking away. He said said “whatever we can do here for you months later while at my daughter‘s cheer competition in A location hundreds of miles from my home I reflected on his offer and being in the mindset to take help where it was offered, though it is not typically my nature I sent him a what I believed was a respectfully worded email recollecting his offer and listing three opportunities For him to assist my children. I believed these were reasonable and moderate requests. I was shocked when he responded with a vindictive attacking email accusing me of abandoning my marriage for no reason and irresponsibly involving my kids who I was trying to help me healthy and happy in the week of their brother‘s loss in expensive competitive travel sports. The email is attached with reductions of names.

This was the first time I realized that the narcissistic tendencies of my former husband had come from the stream that ran downhill from their father and perhaps further down the line. My former husband had told me that his father long deceased used to beat his daughters physically including punching them in the head.

When you leave a situation that involves abuse and narcissism, it is hardly ever without lasting repercussions. You begin to realize that that situation was not created spontaneously.

It made me realize that I need to be intentional with my children to help them be good people respect, respectful of others and not follow abusive tendencies, and narcissistic traits. The challenges that when you have lived 22 years within narcissist and are forced to “coparent” with them for another eight years, it can rub off on you making you take on their tendencies and characteristics as a defense mechanism in conversations and communications with them, as well as sometimes with others it is something that must purposefully be observed, and attended to.