I want to add some more context to try to support others going through this. Today I want to share some email from a “flying monkey” which is a colloquial term for those who support the narcissist despite their devious deeds. Let me lay the groundwork in case you have not read previous or earlier posts. In short, I was married to a guy who was well educated and had a great job and then dropped out of normal society even though we had five children together. Since our divorce I have been supporting our kids with very little support from him, even though I was previously a stay at home mom for several years. Fortunately I am a lawyer and was able to pick up where I had left off. Otherwise I don’t know where we’d be.
Not only do I have to deal with my ex refusing to support our five children but I have to deal with abusive emails from his also narcissistic older brother.
A little more background: tragically, we lost our two sons in 2024 due in large part to the abusive environment created by their father, especially quickly bringing another woman into their lives when they were young and we had just divorced. He moved them into her home where she had her own children and her husband had only died by suicide the year previous.
At our second son’s funeral in January of 2025 the ex’s brother appeared. I was avoiding dealing with the attendees and did not even want to attend this second funeral of my children in one year but my good friends told me I must and were there by my side. The brother of my ex forced his way up to me and put his huge arm around me and said whatever you and your kids need let us (meaning he and his wife and their minions of dollars) know. So one month later I requested three specific needs such as assisting with the payment of my kids’ sports, competitive cheer and soccer. I leave you to review my requests and his response, below.
My Request:
“If you are serious about helping us, here are some ideas for your consideration: 1. You could try to persuade *** (ex) that it is appropriate to commit to a firearm free household. 2. You could contribute toward ***’s (14 year old child) competitive cheer fees financially or by observing her competitions. The cost is $360 per month. We have approximately 6 out of town competitions per season which also have hotel and other associated travel costs. 3. You could encourage *** (16 year old child) in his pursuit of competitive soccer. 4. Transportation is always an issue for me, especially since *** (17 year old son who passed away) used to help me with that. I appreciate your consideration.”
Did I ask too much? Was it unreasonable to accept an offer of help and provide practical ideas that would help my family in a real way in our time of grief and need?
As a back drop I will add that I have received only $240 for all five of my children since the divorce in 2018. I was awarded zero alimony after a 20 year marriage during which I was a stay at home mom for a good portion.
And here is his response:
“Thank you for your recent message sharing your concerns. Some general thoughts: 1. I don’t appreciate your implication that I don’t sincerely care for your children. I don’t take orders from you. You voluntarily left this family. I would love to help the kids but I will work through *** (ex) to do so. When you divorced him, you also divorced yourself from me and the rest of the family. I will also work through him because I don’t trust your judgment. I’m not privy to the reasons behind it, and I’m also not privy to any attempts to avoid it, if there were any. But I believe that a marriage is a sacred contract and both parties need to work through any issues together, in good faith…you can’t deny how a nasty divorce and the financial ramifications can destroy a family. I never understood why you needed a divorce. The amount of child support you received was what the court thought was appropriate. It was inappropriate for you to take your kids on the cruise you had planned after *** died. Enrolling in competitive cheer, soccer and horseback riding lessons is extravagant and you should learn to live within your means. There is no reason *** (ex) must contribute to these activities. You need to learn to say no to your children for a change. As far as firearms go, we are against them but the court decided *** could keep his and far be it from us to speak to the issue. I would love to support your kids in activities that are financially appropriate for your family. I urge you to stop making poor financial decisions for your family. The kids can play school sports. *** (ex)’s girlfriend is a lovely person and you should be more respectful and nicer to her. Your blog is self-serving and misleading. You need to do better and be better. We’re going to be in town and would love to see the kids. Thank you!”
What is the lesson? I guess don’t take people up on their offers of help? Not really sure but it added grief to grief. Just wanted to share in case commiserating can help you.
Notes From Real Life 