My young daughter was so sick for 36 hours, in bed with fever. I feared maybe she even had measles which is said to be going around. I texted her father (we have been divorced almost 8 years now and he lives less than a mile away) about her condition and that she had missed school (otherwise he will be texting me asking why she wasn’t at school). I was detailed but factual in about 3 sentences total. His response: “ok.” Let me flesh this out a bit for those who are new here. We had five children together during our 20 year marriage. Our two oldest were lost to suicide in 2024. I am hyper focused on the well being my remaining children. If I thought I was diligent enough before I tell myself clearly I wasn’t, I missed something big time, so now I worry about everything, physical health, mental health.
Our now oldest son has been struggling with school this year. Understandably! The school is brutal and keeps sending notes about his attendance. He has a lot of trouble getting going in the morning.The other day I was real worried about him because he too was physically ill and seemed really lethargic. I texted his father to inform him and express my concern. Zero response.
Obviously this is a reason I am divorced, due to the checked out nature, but still, it is really hard to be completely alone on this parenting journey.
It is also really hard to understand the decisions and behaviors. The father has chosen not to pay for the extracurricular activities of two of the kids. Yet, he likes to come to the events along with his girlfriend sidekick (on the scene since … or probably behind the scenes before … the divorce). This seems strange to me. Why attend if you don’t care enough to pay your share? In fact, it seems you should be ashamed to do something like that.
After our second son passed and I was purposely avoiding my ex’s family at the funeral due to past conduct, his brother, a very large man physically, forced his way over to me, put his arm around me, and offered to do whatever my kids and I needed. So a couple of weeks to a month later I wrote a considered and reasonable email to him taking him up on his offer. I told myself it was time to accept any offered help even though this is generally against my nature. His response will shock you. My requests were for contribution toward sports fees since his brother is not participating, and I listed the amount and said that any amount of contribution could help. This is a guy who had never had kids and is pretty well off. He has the money to help. He offered to help!!! He responded with an extremely lengthy emailed response lambasting me. Keep in mind I am a twice bereaved mom only one month out from her second son’s passing. Why respond at all? Yet he felt it necessary to ignorantly comment on my departure from the marriage that he perhaps could not have known was abusive 8 years past. He disparaged me for supporting my teens’ desire to play competitive sports (which was needed for their mental health!), criticizing that I should not choose such expensive options. I couldn’t believe it. This felt like such a blow especially after everything I had been through. Someone offering to help, just to take advantage of the opportunity to act on an old grudge.
So every day I continue to fight for my family and support my kids as we muddle through our grief, putting one foot in front of the other. I try to encourage family bonding. I try to emulate pouring energy into others’ lives who have needs as a way of feeding our own souls. Some days it is so rewarding. When I see their interactions with one another. When I see them rise above. When I view their kindness, their compassion. And other days it is a struggle. I feel defeated, alone, unsupported. But I know tomorrow is a new day and we can continue to be and do better.
Notes From Real Life 