Coping with Holiday Grief: Navigating Loss During the Festive Season

Last year I lost my two precious teenage boys to suicide, one in February, the other in December. We just passed Sean’s one year angelversary. Because they both died using firearms, my dear friend began a blog early this year that seeks to bring awareness to the issues of gun violence and suicide, especially where teens or younger children are concerned. I have been blessed to provide content for this blog throughout the year. She asked me recently to provide my thoughts on how to cope over the holidays after losing a loved one.

Definitely the holidays can highlight the loneliness we feel in the wake of losing a loved one. During ordinary times it is easy to keep our schedule filled to help us be busy and distracted. At least this is my “m.o.”. But the holidays force us to slow down, sometimes be alone and face all of our feelings head on. When it comes to grief there is no set pattern, no numbered step by step plan. There are no appropriate or inappropriate feelings. Everything is acceptable. You might feel angry one day. Another day you might be consumed with sadness. And this could be interspersed with happy or funny memories that bring you feelings of love and joy. All of these are perfectly normal.

In my case, one thing that brings home my loss this time of year is that my son Sean was a senior in highschool In the wake of his passing, many of his friends reached out to me and we have kept in contact. Knowing he had these dear friends in his life has been a comfort and joy to me. Spending time with them allows me to live vicariously and experience the life he did not get to live through them. There were many moments over the last year that really highlighted my loss. At graduation time it was hard to see all of his classmates passing through this milestone event. At the end of summer they all went off to college and I thought I should be helping him shop for the items he needs to make his dorm or apartment home.

Now the friends are back from college and this at once brings me face to face with the reality that while these friends are 1/8 finished with college, he will never go to college, never graduate from college, never become a full-fledged launched adult. This is the sad part. The heartwarming part is that I see evidence of them visiting his spot at the memorial gardens, their flowers, photos and Christmas decorations they leave to show that he is remembered. And I also get to catch up with them and hear about their experiences. It makes me happy to see them happy. We don’t always talk about Sean but I feel safe and comfortable if I want to because they knew him.

Coping is all about putting one foot in front of the other. For me, as I think I have depicted, it helps to build purpose around the loss, which makes me feel it is not all for naught. I also spend as much time as possible outdoors. I take nature walks almost daily and sometimes several times a day. All forms of yoga are also helpful. And of course, finding your own unique, or maybe just traditional, ways to memorialize your loved one. This does not have to look like everyone else’s ways. It does not have to be the same every year either. This year, my boys stockings hang by their three younger siblings. On the tree I placed two special ornaments that make me think of them, each one a representative of a sport each boy liked. Their spots at the memorial garden have beautiful Christmas bouquets of artificial poinsettia and Christmas ornaments all tied up with Christmas ribbons. There is no wrong or right here.

Finally the one thing that helps me this time of year and all through the year is knowing they are still here with me. Matter does not just disappear and though they are in a different form the non-physical part of them is here. I don’t have a theology or philosophy for that and maybe it flies in the face of certain religious beliefs and traditions but it is essential for my ability to to put one foot in front of the other and honor my boys’ memories. Know that you are not alone.