On Death

I am not sure where to begin so this may be a retelling that begins in the middle, ends and returns to the beginning as some do. Everything is not linear. I had the most trouble unpacking that suitcase. It sat in my kitchen by the garage door for several days, then moved to the bottom of the stairs and was only opened on the necessity of obtaining an article to pack for another trip.

The suitcase was the final one for a trip with my son. In 2023 we traveled to Cuba together. Then we went overnight to Miami for a Miami- Broncos game. Total disaster. The game. Not us. We had a great time.

And then he went missing. The most unlikely thing. I looked all over. But it turns out he could not be found in this world.

So here we are. I have a small family now. I had a large family at the start of this year. I started with five children. Now I have three. We are a little four person family. So normal sized.

I miss him, this son who died five days ago. Five days. Has it been that long?

Sometimes grief is sharp like a knife. It takes your breath away. Sometimes it comes in waves, overwhelming you with its weight. Mostly it settles over you like a blanket.

So many times through the years I have lost my children, momentarily, and have been in a panic for those moments. We used to live in Denver and would visit the botanic gardens frequently. When one of my babies would go missing I was in a panic because there were so many reflection pools to fall into. I tried to teach them to swim as soon as I could but I was always nervous. I was also anxious on our hikes. Remember I was always carrying a baby, a toddler in a stroller, the others running ahead. It was a stressful time. I felt so much more comfortable once everyone could swim. So many times I misplaced them for moments of panic but it always turned out ok….

Now we are normal sized yet so not normal, freakish rally….I, we, will always be that sad person, people/family. So tragic, so sympathy worthy, so odd. Unlucky? Cursed? Who can concentrate on anything else when they learn this fact about you? It engenders fear.

We started the year as a family of five children. We are ending it with three. This is not a good ratio.

The suicide literature says look for signs, warnings. I keep looking back for them and the ones I find my other kids tell me no. I think from experience there are sometimes no signs or warmings. That is just the truth.

There is apparently a whole language of suicide survivorship.

What you learn when something like this happens is that you cannot trust…life, promises, the present…

Tonight I overheard a young man about Sean’s age telling a girl about his routine and what he eats. It brought me to tears because Sean used to not every day but many days recount his day to me period by period with all the highlights. He was vibrant, full of life, and all of a sudden, gone. My mind always wants to solve issues. My mind rolls the facts around and around like pebbles but the edges remain sharp. They do not smooth into place. Too many questions. Why did Sean get that gun? Why was it unsecured after his brother’s death just 10 months earlier? Why would someone with two deaths in the family by gun in recent history keep a gun? Where do we go from here? My kids keep remarking what a small family we are now.

A few months ago Sean sent me a list of 30 grocery request items. I got them all. We have many still that probably no one else will ever consume. He loved to eat sardines, something none of us other humans were interested in but boy were the pets! He had a routine, so many plans…books to read…places to travel…things to accomplish. It makes no sense.