Encouragement for Those Considering Divorce 🙏✨

I have a friend considering divorce. When she shared about her experience it takes me back to that tortuous period of the end of my marriage. The lead in the belly feeling of walking into the marital home, the feeling that dissonance could break out from its latent state into a full fledged conflict at any moment, the bending to fit, the sacrifice, the losing of self. And always at the very top of the list how to protect my children and see them least hurt. It is a fact. Divorce hurts kids. But maybe ongoing, high conflict at home also hurts kids. How could it not? Not learning to share feelings in an appropriate way, not seeing conflict resolved in a healthy way…these things definitely hurt kids.

Once I decided it would be better for my kids if their father and I parented them from separate homes, my life begin a very different course. Today I want to speak to how I felt in that moment. I was so ready to be free that I seriously considered the fact that I might be destitute, might end up in a women’s shelter with my kids, might have to go on welfare. I was ready to leave nonetheless. None of these things happened. In fact, looking back, I realize now how odd those considerations were given the fact that I am a lawyer (though I was living in a state where I was not yet licensed) and have resources such as a father and church, etc. I think that those thoughts were born out of that environment where I had come to feel I did not have much power over my life or hope for a future. What a lie. The Bible tells us: “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

But I am glad I considered these drastic possibilities because it made me realize how ready I was to leave and be on my own.

I had never lived on my own before outside of my law school dorm room. I went from my parents’ care to my husband’s. Yes, I had a job. I worked as a lawyer for 6 years before staying home with my first baby and my other children over the next 10 years. But I had never felt the sole responsibility of caring for myself let alone a family, qualifying for and paying a mortgage, maintaining home and vehicle, keeping everything running and afloat in addition to what I was well accustomed to, getting my children where they needed to go and caring for their daily needs.

It has been a journey, taking a Bar exam 20 years after my first Bar exam, starting my own law firm business, purchasing my own home, showing my kids an example of living at potential, expecting success, making what we need to live by serving others.

Now I still have a ways to go in terms of the financial aspect of life. My vision of am abundant universe which is so different from the views with which I grew up and lived under in it marriage drive my accountant and bookkeeper crazy.

But I have to say the thrill of being the person my kids come to for their needs and wants not just emotionally or guidance wise but materially (and their are many given they are now teenagers!) is something I would never have experienced. It is such an honor and privilege, and I might add ego boost, to be the provider for a family. It keeps you on your game, drives you forward with great purpose.

Looking back, life today is very different. And I hope when my kids look back they understand.