Observations on life…the messy, the chaotic, the beautiful
Some people might consider it failure. But I am proud that I took the oldest house in Naples Park and renewed it. I did it at the height of COVID. I didn’t know our properties would be in such Deb and a year later and couldn’t hold it that long even if I did. You can see TJ s work in progress on my YouTube channel, MKelly. #investor#realestate #fixandflip #renovation
www.zillow.com/homedetails/703-106th-Ave-N-Naples-FL-34108/43781174_zpid/
I am a lawyer by training, not a psychiatrist or even psychologist. What I write is purely experiential. I had never really explored the meaning of the term “narcissist.” I certainly never realized I had been married to one. But then I began to research and learn and the truth was overwhelming. As you begin to understand this condition/personality type it can make you question everything, especially after a long term relationship. We’re they always that way and you miss it? Maybe. They can be very good about covering it up. But you probably saw glimpses and dismissed it because you had not learned to trust your instinct. Your confidence had been eroded so that you doubted yourself. If a fight occurred or some thing got messed up, it was clearly always your fault. He knew it and you did too. I had a long term relationship with one and we shared children in common. I know how long it takes to recalibrate and see the truth. And I am still learning after breaking away just three years ago.
There is a lot of information out there about how to co-parent amicably. Not to be negative, but only truthful: I can tell you that None of it will help you in doing so with a Big Narcissist.
Also not very useful are the recommendations to completely disassociate and not even think about them. How can you when the court has ordered you to coordinate and come to agreement on a myriad of items relating to the children including vacations, activities, discipline, health, finances…
In fact, the other day I was brought low by the quandary of whether I would ever escape his grasp.
Yes, I am more aware, more free, stronger, more at peace than when I lived in his shadow all those years. And yet, if you are where I was, you should know, not be naive like me, that if you leave you will feel the full force as you may never have while you remained small and compliant.
He will flaunt the money he took from you after you lived hemmed in by his stringent financial boundaries during those years thinking you were contributing toward retirement.
He will take 7 (known) international trips with his girlfriend after telling you while you were married that watching a travel show was just as good as traveling, after promising you and your little kids a trip to Europe and failing to follow through.
He will buy investment houses and fix them up beautifully while housing your children in a beat up moldy apartment.
He kiss his girlfriend in the middle of the kids’ soccer games.
He will take his girlfriend to Hawaii while telling your little girl gymnastics is too expensive.
He will tell his girlfriend you are crazy and she will tell your kids you are a bad Christian and tell your ex-narcissist not to assemble your little girl’s bike just because it came from you.
He will have you threatened. And deny it despite the evidence.
He will try to discredit you no matter how educated you are or whether you are a professional and/or business owner.
He will side with your teenager and against you in teenage battles.
He will throw a wrench into your summer plans to take the children to visit a grandparent they haven’t seen in a year and a half due to COVID.
He will continue to make promises and fail to keep them.
I write this not to discourage but to help you prepare. You have to know the wrath you will face when you leave. You cannot expect to have a pleasant relationship focused on the children’s best interests for the narcissist knows no interests but his own.
Prepare yourself by surrounding yourself by those who believe you and in you.
#coparenting #narcissisticabuse #financialabuse #divorce #freedom #parenting
This is a true undercover story. I decided to become as one of the disadvantaged members of our society to gain compassion. Well, I wish that were true. But the sad truth is this is a story about my life.
I went to law school, married a man there with a similar level graduate degree. We married, had five children. He was the breadwinner. I was the stay at home, homeschool mom. And one day he quit his job. Just quit. With no intention of finding a replacement position.
One day my husband is top dog at a huge international company and my family has full medical and dental coverage. And the next he quits and we have NO insurance coverage.
I jumped through hoops and was finally able to get the other two covered. It took so much time & energy. Then in 2020, we’ll what can we say about 2020? “Bad year” would be an understatement. The kids were kicked out of Healthy Kids and down to Medicaid. I was mortified. Here I am an attorney and my kids are on Medicaid!
When we divorced a few years after living this way I agreed in our settlement to provide their health coverage because he refused. After paying private insurance for a while I applied for Florida Healthy Kids. Since my ex has three kids for tax purposes while I have the other two, the two who are under me did not qualify because of my income. The other three qualified because his reported income made it possible (while he took at least 5 international trips).
The two kids who I had worked so hard to get covered under Healthy Kids now ended up in a version of Medicaid with a $3,000 per month deductible. Not a misprint. Y’all, that’s $36,000 a year one could spend before coverage would kick in! Is there any private insurance that would rival that kind of cost?
Before the change in coverage I had been seeking medical answers to an issue my oldest son was having, while at the same time exploring natural options. We had been issued cards bearing a new PCP assignment. I contacted them at the number on the card to restart the process of investigating the issue.
After giving my address , the receptionist asked me which office in a city at least 5 hours away I would like to visit. What?! How did we get assigned to a doctor there?!
Remedying this situation took more calls and time which involved going through an automated system to try to change the PCP which did not list the old PCP…whose office said they are a provide under the coverage.
Now I will tell you another story. It is called Going to the Medicaid Dentist. A new experience. Three children and I arrive. With the above shuffling we had been required to switch to a different dentist. I complete massive amounts of paperwork of course. Then I am informed by the receptionist that today will be x-rays, then we will come back for the cleanings. Have you ever heard of such a thing? This is the way the Medicaid contract works they explained. Finally B is called back. The girls & I are told to wait. I have never been asked to separate from a child before and didn’t like it one bit. We wait. Wait. Wait. And Mama Bear erupts and demands to be shown to her child this moment! I tell them we are All coming back this time. Oh, there was a machine malfunction. Great. So someone couldn’t come and let me know? And what exactly does a machine malfunction mean when that machine is a special machine that targets radiation at your body? (Oh, BTW, this dentist requires 6 x-rays every 6 months!)
The x-Ray visit took 3 hours! Three hours of missed school instruction, and three more to come at the cleaning!
What it brings to light is…INEFFICIENCY! Seriously, no wonder poor people can’t work! They spend their days waiting at the freaking doctor & dentist!
Yes, but more. Here I am an educated mom who is having to use every brain cel possible to figure out how to get through this system. How does the average Medicaid mom do it? I’m a lawyer & I can barely figure out how to move forward on behalf of my family. Meanwhile, of course I am using my education and abilities to adjust and build up and be able to provide without any government support. But not everyone has that.
Shame on my kids’ dad. Shame on our government for mucking up this health care system. I believe it is one of the systems we will be seeing come down and I celebrate the prospect. This is not the way health care should look.
Below is an update from a s he dukes dental office visit for 4 of my children. After taking them out of school for the appointment I was told by the dental office manager that we would need to separate, the children being taken one by one into the back for treatment and others left in the waiting room. I politely asked if we might all stay together and assured him we would stay out of the way. I was told that if I wanted to do that I should have brought someone else with me. I have never had a pediatric practitioner insist on testing my kids without my presence or worse leaving them in a waiting area alone. So I wanted to share. Do not settle for this type of practice. I can tell you as a mom and trained lawyer this is Not right.
#healthcare #dayinthelife #family #singlemom #undercoverstory #medicaid #dentist #customerservice #parentalrights #familyfirst #momlife #teamkelly #standup #savethecountry #savethechildren #commonsense #kindness #dowhatsright
I wondered if I was being too strict or weird by hesitating to share my home WiFi password. I operate a home law office and also conduct real estate transactions so I try to keep on top of cyber security, which of course can be quite the job today with all of the full time hackers out there. I feel like it’s bad enough having to share with my children’s school district issued laptops connected to the government school server!
I have had many people, kids and adults alike, ask me for my WiFi password when visiting my home. I always feel like I need to come up with an excuse. I try to explain that I need to ensure my network is secure to protect my clients. However, I’ve often been given a blank stare or made to feel weird. So I finally looked it up to see if I am being unreasonable, and now feel vindicated. Thought I’d share in case anyone has experienced a similar situation. So many new “rules” of life in this digital age!
Heres’s the article:
It is important to respect the host when visiting someone else’s home. Find out 10 things you should never do as a house guest.
— Read on littlethings.com/lifestyle/never-do-in-someones-home/2601481-2
#netiquette #techielife #digitalage #parenting #kids #cybersecurity #mythoughtoftheday
You know how we are supposed to learn to say no? I’ve heard this through the years in women’s’ inspirational/motivational talks or articles. Well I’ve tried to keep that in mind, setting limits and boundaries so I can be sane and focused for my family. Today I used the word “I can’t” when I had to run and, even though I hate the phrase “ I can’t” generally, in this instance it felt better than “no” and did the trick, setting the limit I needed to so my delegee could run with a project rather than ask for oversight (which I knew was not needed in this case) when I had to leave to make another commitment. Conclusion? Don’t make hard and fast rules (“Never Say Can’t!”) and use what works.
Trick of the Trade….let’s hear yours!
These are my daily healthy practices that maybe you want to incorporate as well.☀️
Mix organic aloe into a bit of juice, sprinkle with vitamin c powder🧃
Green drink: blend in Vita Mix: 2 c organic greens, piece of peeled fresh ginger root, 1/2 c filtered water, ice if you like, 1/3 organic cucumber, 2 stalks organic celery, opt 1/2 banana opt additions: cinnamon, oats🍹
Organic coffee (not hot!!!) enema☕️
Drink glass of water (1/2 hot, 1/2 room temp) with 1/2 lemon squeezed & sprinkle of cayenne 🍋
Drink glass filtered water with dash of raw apple cider vinegar 🍎
Add cinnamon & ginger on top of coffee grounds ☕️
Swish teeth with coconut oil for 10 min. Spit out.🥥
Add a cinnamon stick to your coffee☕️
And I always start my day with 15 sit ups before I do my stretches & climb out of bed.🤸♀️
Enjoy. And I’d love to hear yours!
Note: A word about filtered water, mentioned several times in this post…
If you think the “filtered” water dispensing from your fridge is filtered sufficiently, do as I did and leave a glass of water out overnight. When you taste it in the morning you will detect all the flavors of impurity. That is why I have been using a high end full scale filter for years. We first purchased it to be a preparation for disaster and I suggested we use it in the meantime. Now, even though I live in a hurricane prone area, I don’t need to flock with the masses to buy crates of bottled water or worry when it becomes unavailable along with gas and ice. I could go right out to my lake and fill this baby up. Haven’t tried it yet, but supposedly.
In any event, the water tastes pure, no chemicals, because it is. This is what I use for my coffee, boiling pasta, vegetables, oatmeal, watering our four family pets or anything else, including drinking!
#remedies #healthtips #followthescience #healyourbody #purewater
When you run a large family you have to be good at inventory. There is a certain magic to making sure you have enough of everything, not too much. If you stockpile you have no room for it all. If you wait to replenish and run out, heaven help you in the morning rush out the door if you don’t have the bottled water one child insists on. Thank God for Target same day pick up & Amazon delivery! How did families do without?! When we lived in Denver we had milk delivery. Actually they would deliver all dairy, string cheese, sour cream and the Best chocolate milk!
You also live in dread of something throwing you off track. An injury or spill as you are running out the door.
Sometimes when you drive you are completely on autopilot, thinking of a million things. You end up where you are meant to go…or Not if it is a stop off your car’s normal route! but without any conscious thought at all.
Before I had a toddler I looked down on someone relating how theirs had crawled under the airport chairs to eat popcorn that had spilled onto the floor. How could a parent be so irresponsible? Fast forward to me with a toddler & a baby & witness the toddler popping previously chewed (we used to call it ABC – already been chewed!) gum into his mouth. OMG! My germaphobic nature about had a heart attack. This as is parenting. You cannot prevent every harm or danger no matter how much you want or try to.
Before I had a teenager I judged people who did not have a close relationship with their older kids. Reality hit when I thought I was doing all the right things and mine called my bluff when I removed privileges for not carrying out responsibilities and went to live under dad’s unsupervised realm instead. He barely talked to me for four months and every time he went to the girlfriend’s when he wouldn’t come to my home was a blade in my heart. It gave me perspective, that we cannot control the outcome, how our children will be even when we are responsible and loving as a parent.
I am working on a theory that is that no matter what we do our kiss will be who they are going to be. Whether this is encouraging or discouraging I am not sure. I guess as my boss used to say the proof is in the pudding. When things work out it is easy to put it down to our having something or everything right. But when they don’t…? Maybe we neither need blame or absolve ourselves.
It is mine to avenge; I will repay. Hebrews 10:30
I love the Old Testament verses that repeat tomorrow…tomorrow…tomorrow…
Tomorrow …It will be as you say..so that you may know there is no one like the Lord our God. Exodus 8:10
Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God I my hands. Exodus 17:9
Tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you. Joshua 3:5
…by this time tomorrow I will hand all of them, slain, over to Israel. Joshua 11:6
And lastly: Go, for tomorrow I will give them into your hands. Judges 20:28
I claim these promises as mine with a battle looming tomorrow.
I grew up in a Republican town but in an apolitical family. My parents had many intellectual friends and at our home and others’ I was witness and party to many conversations about history, culture, places, science and the news of the day. But as I matured it fell to me to find a political worldview for myself. Several people influenced the outcome, including my college government professor who made us purchase a Wall Street Journal subscription, which formed a large part of our curricula. But one of the most influential was political commentator Rush Limbaugh.
At that time Rush had a tv program and I would record it on my little DVD player and watch it consistently, often with my college friend Brian who shared my conservative views. This was when Clinton was president so much of it was focused on the impeachment and Monica Lewinsky business.
I heard Mark Shapiro refer to Rush as the granddaddy of conservative commentators the and this is so true. He paved the way for the great variety of commentators we have on radio and podcast today, Dan Bongino, Dennis Prager (although Prager was always out there speaking about various subjects), Mark Levin… And thank goodness conservative talk flourished as it did so that in this time of great suppression of ideas and speech we have these people continuing to share the truth and provide hope.
You will be missed Rush. Rest In Peace. We stand on your shoulders and build forward, great Patriot.
Notes From Real Life