Tonight I made a dinner that I used to make early in my marriage. That marriage ended 20 years after it began and it has been officially over for nearly 8 years. In those 8 years I have learned much through reflection and study. When I divorced I had never heard about narcissism but as I read about it I saw my situation in the examples of others. As the connected community of the internet world can do, it provided first revelation and then comfort that I was not alone. Circling back to my opening mention of the meal I used to make, my spouse would request that meal and then complain that my breath smelled like garlic (even though we had eaten the same thing and he knew it contained garlic).
If you have experience being in a relationship with a person with narcissistic tendencies you will understand how these constant mind games cause you to question yourself. In my case I felt I was so faulty, not at fault one time or in an instance but faulty by nature. I struggled to correct myself, through reading books, prayer, meditation, and much effort. In the lens of my religious outlook at that time, I viewed myself as having a mirror on me once I had married and had children, which spotlighted the faults I had hidden as a single person. In retrospect, this was completely false. It was my spouse casting doubt on my thoughts, my ways, my character. And this continued throughout the marriage., unrecognized by me until after my divorce.
When I divorced I only knew I would not continue to survive in my marriage, so miserable was I, feeling completely incapable of being a good mother due to constant criticism from my spouse.
But once you leave a narcissist they can never let you go. Your hopes of being able to coparent peaceably now that you live separately will never come to be.
In my case, my narcissist has gone to every length over the last 8 years since our divorce. When he realized I was never coming back, he continued to undermine my relationship with the children. This resulted in alienation and estrangement and ultimately the death by suicide of my two oldest sons.
He would literally set me up to be arrested for “drunk driving” on St. Patrick’s Day, when I had been at a church event with no alcohol. He would send photos of the booking photo of me to my law firm.
He would side with his girlfriend as she sat in my seat next to my children at the funeral, stalked me, put nails in my tires, and sued me. Together they would tell the community my children were theirs together and demonize me to the children.
On the night our son died (with my ex’s gun, obtained from the girlfriend’s house where he lived) he would have me committed to the insane asylum by telling the authorities that I had no friends to come and be with me and needed to be locked away instead.
And most recently, he would concoct a story for the department of children and families involving violence and drug abuse and send them to the schools to interrogate my already traumatized children. (I have never used drugs, legal or illegal.)
In your own case you may receive accusations of sexual promiscuity, which is another favorite go to of the narcissist.
This may seem farcical. The fact is that my resources including being a professional and an involved member of the community have helped me defend his arrows. Not all may have this in their favor and I am sure many fall to the narcissist’s tactics.
It is never ending but I continue to stand strong to protect and defend my kids and be the best mom I can, constantly having to remind myself that I am not that person I was cast to be for the years I was with him and instead choosing to view myself through the eyes of those who know me and love me. It is a continual journey. If you are on it, I accompany you and send you strength.
Notes From Real Life 