I read a lot of books about how to be a parent before I had my first baby and when my babies were little. How to sleep train, how to potty train, later how to homeschool. I love to seek out knowledge as I pursue the paths in my life. But what I found was that there was no one answer. The fact is parenting does not come with a manual. And as soon as you figure out what works for your baby or child…guess what? You have a second very individual and unique baby who responds completely differently. This is not everyone’s experience. However, each of my five children had very different personalities and I had to continually readjust my parenting. When they were younger I referred to myself in third person because this is what I read helped them understand better. So as we continued down the road and they reached older elementary age, one day my son asked me “Mom, why are you referring to yourself in third person?” and I realized I had not read any parenting books for that time of life.
As they grew I read more books about the teenage years, constantly trying to get in front of this parenting project. I always felt a step behind.
But one book found its way into my hands and I have come back to it recently after some really hard parenting years. It is called the Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary, PhD. I have one son who is a junior in highschool who cares nothing for the academic part of school, despite natural intelligence. He cares only about soccer. The school continues to pressure him and me to turn his grades around and nothing works. I have been beating my head against the wall in the same way I did when my firstborn was potty training, believing my sheer will I could change the course of learning. But I know this is not true. However, I’ve been swept along by the school’s processes and procedures. This week I stopped and remembered the above book. The bottom line is that our children are unique beings that we do not control. Our job is to accept and to love. And that is what I am going to do from here on. The author states: “During the mid to later teen years, we are forced to reconcile our hopes for our children when they were young with the fact we are now having to deal with the problems we thought only visited other people…” In my experience, one of these issues is suicide, which affected two of my five children last year. My son and all of us are still and will always be dealing with this. The loss of two brothers is not to be overlooked. And I am not going to go along with a one size fits all process of dealing harshly with poor grades. I am recommitting to loving and supporting my son. Not letting him off the hook. Not making excuses. Just walking alongside him during a challenging time and being there for him without threats, just love.
Notes From Real Life 