On Loss

It is so hard always having to ignore or pretend that I have only 3 children when I have….had? 5. The questions from people about my children are dreaded and embarrassing. Sometimes I answer vaguely, dishonestly. Not wanting to admit my two oldest children are not here on earth anymore. Sometimes I just say they are older, not at home anymore, leave the listener to surmise they are away at college somewhere. How do you interject that into the everyday banter? I think of the words, paraphrased, of a book I am reading where a character has experienced similar loss. You dread, you expect, you anticipate, to rush to fill in the void that involves comforting the recipient of the information, covering over the awkwardness of the depth of your grief as they are at a loss for words.