Financial Abuse 💸🤑

Today in my Family Law Mediator Training we heard from a Domestic Violence specialist. As she discussed psychological and financial abuse I recalled my former life. She talked about how in some relationships one spouse is granted an “allowance,” has no access to the bank accounts, handles none of the financial matters. I had a similar relationship where, though an attorney, I was told I wouldn’t know how (and this sticks with you…you start to believe it and it takes some undoing). He was an accountant so I figured it made sense for him to handle everything. I was busy taking care of my five babies.

The only times I balked were towards the end of the relationship when he tried to give me a credit card with his name alone, when he signed my name on our taxes, and when he would give me a different credit card each week. . . I know, right?

I never handled any banking, credit applications, or taxes. I wrote very few checks. Looking through an old check book recently I saw that in the last year of my marriage my husband had even written the check to reimburse my girlfriend for a girls’ weekend expense. Unbelievable. This person is unknowable to me today, four years post marriage.

A lot can happen when only one person is in control of the finances. You get a limited budget for groceries and hair cuts and time with friends. Things go missing like the proceeds from house sales.

On my own now I handle all my own finances. There was a learning curve certainly but even when I make mistakes it is freeing and I feel so much stronger.

I suppose I am a little jaded over to one side but I will never let anyone control …or really even access my finances again. I have learned a hard lesson and that makes it all the more valuable.

I don’t like to think of myself as a victim. I liked the term the teacher used today, survivor. It is much more positive. I like to learn from my mistakes, move forward & use what I’ve learned to try to help others.

So….if you find yourself washing your hair with baking soda to save money, always being told to stick to a budget created by someone else, skimping on yourself and your kids while your significant other is not held to the same restrictions, maybe all while believing you are saving up for retirement someday…if you have thought about divorcing but didn’t have any money of your own to pay an attorney a retainer, maybe have a deeper look…