Why I Chose to Seek an Annulment

Some of you have probably heard of an annulment but most will have no real understanding of the term.

The Webster’s/Wikipedia definition of annulment is basically (paraphrasing) a determination that a marriage was void from the beginning. This of course differs from the legal act of a divorce which terminates the marriage but allows that it existed. And then there are those who separate or remain in divorce limbo for years…but I don’t want to digress.

My divorce was final almost exactly four years ago. I am Catholic and my faith has a procedure for annulment. As I began to look into it and learn, I realized I needed to follow this path as well.

At first I was concerned that it would affect my five children from the marriage. If the marriage never existed, wouldn’t that call into question their validity and existence? (Not legally, but in the realm where annulment exists.)

The US Confederation of Catholic Bishops explains the process and its meaning as follows: “What is often referred to as a ‘marriage annulment’ in the Church is actually a declaration by a Church tribunal (a Catholic Church court) that a marriage thought to be valid according to Church law actually fell short of at least one of the essential elements required for a binding union.”

For those who really want to understand Catholic doctrine, these are:

1. the spouses are free to marry;
2. they are capable of giving their consent to marry;
3. they freely exchange their consent;
4. in consenting to marry, they have the intention to marry for life, to be faithful to one another and be open to having and raising children;
5. they intend the good of each other; and
6. their consent is given in the presence of two witnesses and before a properly authorized Church minister.

The process is long and entailed but guided by a priest and very confidential. Each party has the chance to answer very detailed questions about the marriage. (Unfortunately so do friends, family and sometimes mental health professionals who you name as having information concerning the marriage. It is to say the least an extremely thorough process.

This differs from a legal annulment (recognized in some states), which can be based on factors such as:

• One person already being legally married
• Fraud (one person lied to the other person so they would consent to marriage)
• Duress (one person agreed to the marriage after being threatened)
• Incompetence (at least one person was not legally competent to agree to be married, such as mental illness or physical disability)
• Bigamy (parties are first cousins or nearer relations)
• Being underage without parental consent (17 and younger)

Originally I thought of seeking the nullity as a way of encouraging my children’s father (my former spouse) and his girlfriend to marry because I felt/feel that their living together without that in full view of my children contrasts with our Catholic faith (of which they also both subscribe).

As I entered into the process I found it was also a way to reflect upon the marriage in a deeper way than the legal divorce process allows for. It also provided, or I feel will, when granted, final closure on a chapter of my life that requires it.

When I left my marriage I was running from a bus headed over the cliff. My husband at the time had left his well paying job with great benefits, moved our family of 7 into a 3 bedroom apartment, leaving finances and tensions to be strung as tightly as a well tuned violin, which we were not. There was not a lot of time to assess. Just as the flight attendant directs you to do if you need to escape a downed plane, I basically left everything behind. As I begin to experience freedom and independence for the first time in my adult life I begin to reflect on aspects of the marriage and my partner that I never saw. I begin to read a lot on the matter and to understand our challenges in a new light and context. I begin to see that not everything had been my fault. I begin to forgive myself and to try to pass on a sense of self awareness to my children.

Annulment for me was, is, necessary for me to leave the marriage fully, to confirm that the marriage as I understood it, hoped for it to be, the life I tried to build for my children, wanted some badly and fought so hard for, was never possible, never existed. It was smoke, a mirage, the vapor over a grassy field in the morning light.

It allowed me to refocus my intentions and efforts on exemplifying a life to my children that takes the raw material of life, lessons, experience, wisdom, and forms it into a new life of meaning, beauty and purpose.