Notes From Real Life

I was disturbed reading my church bulletin today. First there was a notice that they had had to suspend their historically annual Thanksgiving meals to a needy community due to the pandemic.

The second thing was a notice to the congregation not congregate with other parishioners before or after the church service, to “move immediately to your vehicle” following the service.

This all sticks in my craw because it does not align with the way Jesus lived. In a time when leprosy and other communicable diseases ruled the day, in his public ministry Jesus regularly surrounded himself with and physically reached out and touched these “untouchables.” So did others of his followers like Mother Teresa. They were not afraid of catching something. They were not afraid of inevitable death. They did not sequester themselves. Christians throughout history have chosen to gather together as the Bible commands even at the threat of death. Now we are going to forgo this for fear of sickness and death?

What are we doing, church?

I am sitting here in my “command center” at my dining room table which serves as office and school room as well as a place to gather for meals.

Sometimes as moms out day starts off fairly sane, hopeful, with us feeling in control. Depending on the day this can quite quickly erode depending on the level of cooperation of the members of our household and the demands of the day.

I wanted to share a little trick I finally learned after 15 years of momhood and 40 plus of being a woman. A year or so ago I was feeling really discouraged because even though I was getting up at 4:00 am I felt I was not accomplishing but a small portion of my to do list and as they do that to do list was just as long at the end of the day as the beginning once the new tasks had been added.

I don’t recall who had suggested it because I hear so many great tips and life hacks but I decided to incorporate it. So I decided to keep a log of Everything I did in a day, not just for my hourly fee clients, but Everything (short of bathroom breaks & showers). That practice has continued for the past year and the result is that at the end of the day I can see exactly how I spent my time. The description is only as long as I need it to be, sometimes just a word (household, feed kids, pet care…) and sometimes it has an amount of time listed and sometimes it doesn’t. I keep the list in my notes on my phone which makes it very easy and convenient, not a burden.

If you try this you will find at the end of the day you have actually accomplished quite a lot, even if it was making three meals (& cleaning up after them!) for your family. It will help you see your time wasters and it will help you identify what you can delegate to professionals or members of your household or the random person who offers to help. 😅😇

It does not take the place of a to do list. It is a partner to it, a mirror of it, the other side of the scale.

It is the truth. Instead of accusing you of how little you accomplished because your to do list is a parchment rolling out the door like Santa’s wish list pictured in Christmas lore. It is confirmation you are doing your best. It is a reflection of your priorities. It makes you realize you did take time to be with your kids or take care of yourself, or maybe that you need to. Try it & see. ✨

This is Level II stuff. Please don’t read if you think everyone can just get along after divorce. This is not everyone’s experience although it is what I hoped for and jealously long for when I see it in others’ post divorce lives.

I thought long and hard about posting but this is for those who have been where I was, am, and feel alone. If it can help one person, I can be vulnerable. I stayed quiet for so many years, trying to preserve a facade.

Here is a truth. When you have kids and you divorce an abuser, you are more free but you still face it, whether it is directed at you or your children (way worse!!) constantly.

The worst is when others join in. Perhaps a girlfriend (or boyfriend) of your former spouse. Perhaps third parties. Perhaps even institutionally.

One day you go to the park to run with your kids who have been stripped from you every other week and they are not there like usual with their dad and instead a big man approaches you and tells you to stay away from the park. He is a hired “hit” man doing the bidding of the abuser. Someone who bought that guy’s story like so many do, and even you used to.

He threatens your children. He threatens you. You try to report it to the police and they say well you are not in harm, call us back when you are.

Staying away, forgetting your kids, is not an option when you are a mom. You are always mom. You don’t just take off every other week and forget about your precious ones.

You tell others and they say it will all work out.

Listen to me. This is how women and children end up dead. Because no one listened, no one believed them.

The abuser will convince anyone he can that you are the bad, crazy one. He will make you doubt yourself.

The story is not hypothetical. A man was sent to threaten me to stay away from my kids. A big man. A man who wouldn’t identify himself but gave his name as Joe Smith. I now know his true identity. He and his cohorts made fun of me for being a lawyer, an old line borrowed from my ex I used to hear frequently. He stalked me halfway home.

You cannot make this stuff up. I am sharing so you know what can be in store if you bravely step out. The less you let them control you, the stronger you become, the more harassing and threatening they become. You have to stand strong for your children. And never stop watching, protecting and standing for them.

It really hits home, you really realize how someone messed with your mind, and how you let them, for so many years when, the first weekday of “falling back” from Daylight Saving to standard time…he calls to tell you it is time for you to pick the kids up from his home snd take them to school, insisting that it is 8:30. You are sitting in front of your computer with your phone next to you and both say 7:30. You check your other clocks, thinking it is possible you could be wrong, somehow you messed up or are missing something. That even though you’re a lawyer who practices in three jurisdictions, passed three Bar exams on the first try, you can’t tell time correctly! Guess what? I wasn’t wrong. Not now. Not all those times I believed it…that I didn’t understand a situation, didn’t remember correctly, didn’t know what my kids needed, couldn’t keep track, couldn’t manage money, couldn’t stay calm, etc. Not saying I don’t make mistakes. But I can tell time. I wasn’t always wrong when I believed I was. I wasn’t always at fault for everything that happened. And neither are you. Believe in yourself.

Virtual Tour of 703 106th Ave N, Naples FL 34108, USA.
— Read on tours.boutiqueimagery.com/public/vtour/display/1633768

This was my COVID lockdown project. Lots of sweat & tears (no blood fortunately!) in this renovated 1960s retro baby. For sale now!

My current book club book is Indigo Girl. It is a historical fiction novel about 17 year old Eliza Lucas, left in charge of her father’s plantations in colonial South Carolina. She fights every day to make a profit from the indigo crop and stakes her family’s fortune toward it but experiences nothing but failure upon failure. She says “I was a butterfly pinned by its wings to the canvas of my failures.” I stopped there for today because that so accurately describes how I feel at this moment in time. But of course Eliza’s story is now history and I know she goes on to marry one of the signatories of our Declaration of Independence and is credited with beginning growing indigo successfully in what was to become the US.

Left with two little investment houses as my only resources at the conclusion of my twenty year marriage two years ago, I have tirelessly worked to secure my family through hard work and wise investments, to grow that little into enough to sustain my five children through college.

This year I staked all I had to purchase a house that I beautified with a great team and a lot of sweat and panicky nights. It’s value was doubled.

I was also under contract to buy another house to beautify but 3 days before my closing the finance company I was working with and which had approved the property and issued final terms withdrew due to COVID. Left high and dry I scurried to find alternate financing but no one was lending. Everyone was panicked and running for cover.

I fell on my sword and pleaded with the seller to split the escrow with me, to share the burden of the unprecedented COVID pandemic. Instead she hired a lawyer who has not stopped at winning the escrow when the judge did not find COVID a valid excuse and now seeks on top of that tens of thousands of dollars in attorneys’ fees as sanctions.

I could never have conceived that something I entered into to provide more for my family would cost me so dearly. I could not have imagined I would fail so deeply.

All I can do is learn and remember that, like Eliza Lucas, this is not the story’s end. I believe money is not finite. The more people try to take from my family the more opportunities arise. I say to that attorney who opposes me, at Jesus’s suggestion, if you would like my only cloak, please take my tunic too. You are a man and I am a single mom of 5 (8 if you include our non human members!) in a new land but I give it freely in love. You must need it more than me and I hope it fits you as you hoped it would.

My current self says to my past self…

Think about why someone would want to move every time you become settled…

Why would he talk you into building a house that becomes your dream house as you fill it with babies…only to talk you into selling it with the dream of raising your boys on a large plot in the country …to end up renting someone else’s rundown home…

Why would you later uproot again from the place your five children know to move to another state where you cannot work…

Why did you give up the perfect situation you created for your family for the promise of a new life that in reality was an apartment where you valiantly crammed your big family?

Why did you sacrifice your dreams for his shifting ones that were never actually pursued?

Why are you giving up your precious, hard earned NY Bar license because he says it costs too much at $99 per year?

Why are you letting him cash in the 401k you earned?

But then…I am proud of you for not listening when he said you couldn’t get a job after 10 years home with your babies, and for finding a position on your terms.

I am proud of you for making change despite the odds, and for how far you’ve come in this strange new land.

I believe in you. You can do it. Your children are watching and they see too. They are learning by your example.

This week my five kids returned to school. I expected it could be at least slightly chaotic as back to school week can be under the best circumstances. In fact it was peaceful.

Our school district gave 4 choices for school this year. Many people criticized me for sharing these with my kids and asking them what THEY thought would work best for THEM. Obviously we discussed all the known factors, including pros & cons. Many strongly suggested I should have picked for them. In the end one chose in person middle school, two chose remote learning at home following the in school schedule for the most part (my other middle schooler & high schooler), and my third & fifth grader chose homeschool. Everyone got up on their own, the middle schooler got himself dressed in his uniform (making sure he had enough shorts & shirts for the week) & made his lunch! The girls followed the schedule they had created & we worked together side by side downstairs while the older boys worked upstairs in their room, with their zoom classes & online assignments. They all loved the efficiency and finishing before their brother in school. But that one loves being with his friends & the independence of middle school. The girls love being able to take a break to play their piano any time they like. The big boys love coming down to take a play break with their new puppy.

For me the bottom line is that the experience underscores that when kids have some “buy in” they are more self motivated. When I contrast this with the drama of cajoling, meltdowns & coaxing of last year, not to mention the harriedness of getting five out the door to three different schools I amazed. Of course we have many weeks to go!

Also homeschooling again made me feel so grounded and provided purposeful interaction with my girls. They were younger when we homeschooled previously and I was more focused on the older boys. So the one on one is good for them. But I really appreciate them bringing the best of school home with the structure & methods & helpful tips. It’s really the best of both worlds.

Unfortunately this week my kids return to their father’s for the week and he plans to have his girlfriend with no homeschool experience teach them in violation of homeschool law. But I will be looking forward to our next week of school together and to watching them develop their knowledge and talents and personal responsibility.

I homeschooled my five kids for 12 years until in 2016 my oldest decided to attend public school entering 6th grade middle school. Homeschooling is so great. It was actually my once husband who proposed the idea when my oldest turned 3 and I was researching preschools. I learned all I could, got involved in a great homeschool moms group in our then hometown Denver, and dove in. I learned so much along the way from all the veteran homeschoolers out there. It was a wonderful way to learn together and connect as a family. Especially in those young years it is so meaningful for kids to engage in hands on learning. We went on field trips that showed how people do different jobs. We spent countless hours at the science and natural history museum. Actual homeschooling is Not what we finished last school year with, remote public school. But I wasn’t finished! There were so many more subjects I wanted us to explore together!

It seems now I may get my chance! Our Collier County School District has offered several choices for online school as alternatives to in person attendance and included homeschool as an option. (Actually homeschool is always an option under our Florida homeschool statute. (See my legal website, meganmkellylaw.com for more information on that.)) I know all the teachers whose heart is teaching and the students (which, honestly, here in Collier County, is 99% of those I’ve encountered) and administrators are doing their very best given the circumstances we currently face.

My oldest decided from the beginning to do the online scheduled school. He entered our 2500 student high school last year, rising at 5:30 am to make it to the school bus. He was relieved when COVID caused school to be conducted remotely!

My two oldest boys actually surpassed me greatly in weight & height during the lockdown and e-learning period because they were able to sleep more!

My four youngest originally wanted to homeschool but then I had a 50%attrition rate before I even began when the other two boys decided to: (1) go to school & (2) do the less scheduled remote school. That’s ok! I want them to learn in the best way for them.

But I am SO excited I get to homeschool my two girls, 8 & 10. So I ordered our books& as soon as their workbooks arrived they were off & running on their self directed program, 3rd & 5th grade!

We saw Bella’s teacher at church on Sunday & she was excited about this opportunity for us.

Who knows what can happen in these uncertain times? I choose to be grateful for slower time that allows for family & another chance to homeschool, whether for a semester or school year or more. Like all parenting, we just have to go with the flow. As much as I want to open up my children’s heads & pour in all they need to know, I realize it is not like that. Grateful for these individual souls who do not belong to me but whom I get to be with. They amaze and delight me everyday…and, yes, occasionally flabbergast & frustrate needs.

I write about a wide variety of subjects. You should know this one will be political in nature so if you aren’t interested in a reasonable presentation of facts on such a topic this is your notice so you may move on.

Which brings me to my topic. You’ve heard of MoveOn.org. Perhaps not so in vogue now that we have BLM and ANTIFA but a going concern nonetheless, which has been active in the political sphere. MoveOn was created in response to the Clinton impeachment hearings, in an effort to get Americans to do just that, move on from an unpleasant topic whereby the man in the highest position of power took advantage of a girl in one of the lowest positions within his sphere of power and influence. IMO, the textbook example of sexual harassment. Democrats felt uncomfortable with the dichotomy that created for them, their hero calling into question…no, outright violating… one of their platforms, “women’s rights”.

Another glaring example of wanting to quickly move on was in the wake of the Benghazi scandal. As the horrors of that 13 hour debacle created by former Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton began to trickle out, the Democrats were quick to urge American voters to forget about that ugly bit of recent history. Forget about the young heroes’ lives lost. Forget about the mishandling of a major international terror attack.

Now we have the left systematically destroying evidence of America’s path toward growth and development, even its not so pretty aspects, but it’s past nonetheless, short as it is in comparison to some other countries’.

Looking past the fact that the monuments being destroyed belong to the people (whether of that local community, state or the nation), and the correct action for proper and legal removal …the destruction of evidence of the past is harmful.

First, we learn from the past. History repeats itself but reasonable good citizens can combat treacheries such as slavery and Naziism, to use two examples, by studying and learning how those institutions occurred and recognizing the warning signs.

Having just re-read George Orwell’s 1984 for the third time, I am reminded of the dramatic way that the understanding of the populace can be dictated by controlling access to knowledge of the past. If the past (even if not happy or moral or accepted by current standards) can be stamped out, this gives way to the possibility of controlling the present. And, just as our Founders understood, if you get certain people or groups in power, this can be a not so happy occasion. And elections do not prevent this…just look at every instance where the “democratic” process has been manipulated.

It is also important to note that tearing down statues can lead to widespread violence. You don’t need look all the way back to the French Revolution to see this. Just look at the news.

And instead of moving on, remember & think.