I am a lawyer by training, not a psychiatrist or even psychologist. What I write is purely experiential. I had never really explored the meaning of the term “narcissist.” I certainly never realized I had been married to one. But then I began to research and learn and the truth was overwhelming. As you begin to understand this condition/personality type it can make you question everything, especially after a long term relationship. We’re they always that way and you miss it? Maybe. They can be very good about covering it up. But you probably saw glimpses and dismissed it because you had not learned to trust your instinct. Your confidence had been eroded so that you doubted yourself. If a fight occurred or some thing got messed up, it was clearly always your fault. He knew it and you did too. I had a long term relationship with one and we shared children in common. I know how long it takes to recalibrate and see the truth. And I am still learning after breaking away just three years ago.
There is a lot of information out there about how to co-parent amicably. Not to be negative, but only truthful: I can tell you that None of it will help you in doing so with a Big Narcissist.
Also not very useful are the recommendations to completely disassociate and not even think about them. How can you when the court has ordered you to coordinate and come to agreement on a myriad of items relating to the children including vacations, activities, discipline, health, finances…
In fact, the other day I was brought low by the quandary of whether I would ever escape his grasp.
Yes, I am more aware, more free, stronger, more at peace than when I lived in his shadow all those years. And yet, if you are where I was, you should know, not be naive like me, that if you leave you will feel the full force as you may never have while you remained small and compliant.
He will flaunt the money he took from you after you lived hemmed in by his stringent financial boundaries during those years thinking you were contributing toward retirement.
He will take 7 (known) international trips with his girlfriend after telling you while you were married that watching a travel show was just as good as traveling, after promising you and your little kids a trip to Europe and failing to follow through.
He will buy investment houses and fix them up beautifully while housing your children in a beat up moldy apartment.
He kiss his girlfriend in the middle of the kids’ soccer games.
He will take his girlfriend to Hawaii while telling your little girl gymnastics is too expensive.
He will tell his girlfriend you are crazy and she will tell your kids you are a bad Christian and tell your ex-narcissist not to assemble your little girl’s bike just because it came from you.
He will have you threatened. And deny it despite the evidence.
He will try to discredit you no matter how educated you are or whether you are a professional and/or business owner.
He will side with your teenager and against you in teenage battles.
He will throw a wrench into your summer plans to take the children to visit a grandparent they haven’t seen in a year and a half due to COVID.
He will continue to make promises and fail to keep them.
I write this not to discourage but to help you prepare. You have to know the wrath you will face when you leave. You cannot expect to have a pleasant relationship focused on the children’s best interests for the narcissist knows no interests but his own.
Prepare yourself by surrounding yourself by those who believe you and in you.
#coparenting #narcissisticabuse #financialabuse #divorce #freedom #parenting
Notes From Real Life 