Back to Reality

Warning: We are not in Kenya anymore so this post is less travel journal and more pointedly targeting the issue of narcissistic behavior so unless that interests you check in later. Thanks!

Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery in certain circumstances but in a toxic relationship it is just another form of harassment.

Around 2013 my then husband left his very high paying, respectable profession and became a stay at home dad…even though I was already serving that function…as stay at home mom/home & family manager that is, having left my career as an attorney years before to stay home with our first baby, which grew over the following seven years to 5 babies!, homeschooling them, growing & making healthy food for everyone & shoving it down some of the pickier ones’ throats😅, and generally providing for the needs of the family.

All of a sudden someone was re-examining my procedures and processes, reinventing, but mainly attempting to replicate. I felt like a CEO whose company had called in a consulting firm to investigate and eventually replace. I resolved the issue somewhat by returning to my old law firm two days a week while my kids’ dad took over homeschooling for those two days.

I’m sure there were other instances that have been lost in the recesses of my memory but fast forward to another event that sticks in my mind. Shortly after divorcing I posted some affirmations and value statements to frame our new 6 person family unit…”we learn from our mistakes..,we forgive ourselves and one another…we contribute to the work of the family”…etc. Lo and behold, the next time I dropped my kiddos off at their father’s there was a poster on the wall that looked quite familiar. Good you say, right? I guess…but when you’ve been told so many times your value are questionable and you’re a bad mom it strikes a stark contrast to see them reflected on the wall of the accuser!

So I am continually incorporating improving ideas into my life in general and our family life as part of that. I try to learn from others’ good practices and shared ideas. So recently I began inviting each of my children for a special one-on-one overnight with me, clearing this with their dad during his parenting time. They like different things so sometimes we order in, sometimes go out, watch a movie, whatever. I find this helps me connect because sometimes managing the whole family can become all logistics without connection!

Well, the other day my son went to his dad’s to ostensibly play basketball after school and never returned. By evening I was concened & contacted his father, asking when he would be bringing him home. After al it was a school night. I was told to “chill out” & that he would be staying the night. The difference between how this event, which I believe was another attempt at imitation, and my planned & pre-cleared overnight one-ok-ones is stark. Instead of building into the life of my son it was a blatant use of him as a pawn.

Every day I am thankful for the distance between me and what I lived under for my whole adult life. Now I see clearly. Now I am free. I know some of you reading are living through what I did. Hope this helps you see you are not crazy.🙏🏻